Shades of Jazz

Change and Change Not -So -Much

2006-08-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

A few months short of a year to the day of my last post and some things in my life are different, but not many hence the title. There are some maintstays that I continue to struggle with, things that as I age farther into my life as an adult, become more consequential then they were as issues in my teens. Procrastination, for instance: simply put I have procrastinated all I can, I have no more time to waste. Twenty-three is making a fast approach and beyond that the remainder of my twenties, the time period of adult life in which people are allowed to make mistakes, stumble along their life path is rapidly encroaching on oblivion. I am sure I am not the only twenty-two year old who hasn't a clear path in sight of reaching their ultimate goals, but I do know that at least most folks have a semblance of a clue, of which I have none. At this point, all I know is that I do want to DO something, but beyond that I am floating aimlessly around the ways to get from point A to Point other then A. I do have a somewhat haphazard sketch of my plans for the near future, here goes:

I am strongly considering culinary arts school, a path lots of people have questioned once heard from my mouth, as I have never made any grand proclamtions of wanting to be a chef. Yet, food does indeed interest me and one thing I do know is that no matter where you are in the world, people need to eat. So with that knowledge, I think until I gather my thoughts and ambition towards my writing career, food will be a decent deal in the interim, a way for me to make some money and be able to say I have a career, albeit not the one I truly desire for myself. Sounds like settling doesn't it? But its definitely a step above babysitting, which I have been doing for the last two years basically wasting away my life. And food is good, its interesting and I hold no notions of it being easy, which for me will be good as I have not challenged myself to a damn thing in a quite a long time. And who knows, I may find a niche for myself in food. But the basic goal of going to culinary arts school is to secure a job at a nice restaurant making an amount of money that will at the very least allow me to have my own place and be able to provide for myself while I write without worrying about income.

Which brings us to writing. I don't write anymore, that's the bulk of the subject in a nutshell. Of course, one knows that to be a writer, one must WRITE. It's not neurophysics, its simple common sense. I realize this and yet I still do not write anymore. Somewhere along the recent years I have shed my love for it and replaced it will an ill-seated contempt for my own creative works. I had not been able to reach the level of writing I desired and so I simply stopped believing in my ability to create at all. I do believe I can beat it at some point but I have to do some searching as to why I allowed it to happen in the first place. I know at some level, I can write. I know this, people have told me this. An editor who has read all across the board has told me that. But there is still a block there and as much as I know that I have some skill, I have to re-teach myself to want to apply it and better it so that I can overcome this situation I've made for myself.

I hope to begin to update this regularly again, even if no one ever reads it. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it could be to just get my thoughts out and vent about myself to the net world, who cannot judge me at least that I can be aware of.

On another note I am in involved in what could be, for all its imperfections, one of the best relationships I have ever been in. I say imperfections because no relationship is without them, even the smallest most insignificant ones. I am in love and it feels good, most of the time. I can say that he is in love as well and that is a comfort for me. He is a very talented, kind and loving person but he does have sides that conflict the latter two but despite that we are what we are: us. And us is one and hopefully we will be for a long time. That's my heart.

And on that note, I shall return.

Stuck

2005-10-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

Life passes me by. Always has and I guess in some misguided attempt at hope, i thought it would cease eventually but still it continues. its the worse kind of pergatory, stuck in a limbo that has no motion either up or down- it just is. that is my life right now. My writing, my weightloss, my overall self improvement, my existence...is just there. Life is going on around me, each day bringing a new chance to make something of this cataclysm but I continue to let each day pass me by. Why? If I think about all the wasted moments in my life, the loss of those seconds, minutes, hours and days hurts to the core. Because I'll never get those back. Sure, thats what life is essentially...a mass of moments that eventually ends. But I could have done so much with all the time I have wasted. Twenty-one...I still have time, some would say. But when you are stuck in a mode of existence that has forever been your dysfunctional mainstay, no matter how much you KNOW change is needed, you KNOW what you are doing to yourself and you KNOW you'll never be happy living the way you are...its hard to make a move toward anything different.

On any given day these are things I know:

I need to write more then I do.
I need to take my health seriously.
I need to stop enabling my own failure.

But each day all of these things continue. Perhaps I am just a glutton for self punishment, a well intentioned but otherwise flaky waste of space. Perhaps. Even after this woe is me post, I will probably continue on as I do. I can write a million of these sickening revels in my life and STILL log off and do the same shit. And that's sad. But true.

Excitement

2005-07-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

Well I have decided to come out of hiding, at least long enough to post that my novel, Four Letter Word, is finished and I have recently hired a professional editor to polish my 'baby' up in addition to my own re-writes, having my good friend read it as well as my mentor (a published author of eight books). Both my friend and my mentor enjoyed it, so I am excited! I cannot wait to see how it reads after the edit.

Once my final synopsis is finished I will post it...as if anyone reads this any longer lol.

Toodles.

Well damn...

2005-04-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have been brought out of bloggers hibernation. The cause? All these album releases. Not just regular old, could have kept that shit to yourself releases...GOOD albums. I'm too thrilled.

First I'll start with Common. Now. I'm not really a hip-hop head...I'm an R&B, Classic Soul, Neo-Soul girl. But I do respect the art of hip-hop. I have my songs that I love, etc, but there is basically none in my collection. So when I heard Common was coming out with a new album, I was like...okay. Good for him. But then I heard the single 'The Corner' and I was grooving, off the words, the beat, the whole vibe. So I was like...okay. Interesting. Still wasn't overwhelmingly concerned with his pending album. So then I came across a link for this DJ's site, with listening parties for a few albums I was interested in hearing. I see Common's name, say what the heck, click the name.

From that moment on, I was in a zone. The album BE is just...there. It has a presence, it leaves you with something. You don't feel like you have wasted moments of your life listening to it, you feel like you've gained something. I'm not from Chicago, never been to Chicago, plan on going one day though. So this next comment may not be accurate, but I felt the essence of Chicago on this album. Closed my eyes and I was in Chicago. Being that I'm not well-versed in the subject matter, my perception could be asinine. But I felt something while sitting at this computer, nodding my head, thoughts churning. I felt magic. Simply put, Common and Kanye have produced magic.

Next up, there is the one, the only, Ms. Mimi, nee' Mariah Carey. Based off of the lead single 'It's Like That', I wasn't going to berate my hearing by purchasing the album. I went against my better judgement and bought Charmbracelet in 2003 and I was through with Mariah after that. Although I should point out that I like a few songs on that album, I just didn't think Mariah would ever come out with anything else I needed to hear.

I was wrong.

I still didn't buy the album-yet. But I will. On the same site there was a link to The Emancipation of Mimi. Clicked it, rolled my eyes through 'It's Like That', grudgingly sang along at the hilarious line 'them chickens is ash and I'm lotion' because it's just funny to me, and prepared myself to continue that let down feeling throughout the listening of the album. I found myself dancing in my seat, cheesing to myself when she hit those notes (not quite as they were but pretty damn good) and just feeling the music, overall. That 'Fly Like A Bird' had my hypersensitive self about to cry. Hailed as 'The Return of the Voice', I think I might be hard-pressed to agree.

Lastly, we have Faith Evans. Although I could sympathetize with the single 'Again', I was once again NOT planning on spending any money on this album, The First Lady. But lo and behold, Circuit City had it for 8.99 on its release date, so I cut my losses and bought it.

I love this album.

It's just really feel- good...that's the main thing I can say about this album, I feel good listening to it. There is a 'happy' presence on the album and I love when I get that vibe from an album.

Okay I said Faith was last, but I lied. So sue me. Vivian Green. I LOVED her debut, A Love Story, and when I heard she was readying a follow-up, I was beyond happy. I had already cast her with the hordes of other talented artists who take eons to come out with another album or never do. So then I decided to listen to the album and her style has changed....but not in a bad way. You can't help but get the impression that one-Ms. Green is single again, and two-she is working out all her issues with the ex on this album. But, it works for her because the emotion is there, its raw and when she says 'I gotta go, I gotta leave' you believe. Shit, she had to leave. All in all, I was really surprised, pleasantly so.

So folks there you have it. I'm no authority on music, but in good faith I can say get these albums and you won't be dissapointed. Now...until my wallet is a little more agreeable, I'm off to hit the listening parties again. Toodles.

And So It Begins...

2005-03-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

My book is finished! I am doing first-round edits for the next week or two and then its going to be read by my two readers. Then more editing. By June I hope to have a polished manuscript. Wish me well.

I just haven't been feeling bloggish lately. I haven't even been by any of my favorites. Humbug.

That is all.

Black is Brillant

2005-02-28T03:02:00.000-08:00

Morgan Freeman, Jamie Foxx....bravo black men, BRAVO!!!

Well deserved on both ends. Morgan is such a wonderful actor and the award was long overdue to him in some capacity. Jamie, true underdog story...from In Living Color and the infamous saran wrap scene of Booty Call to Oscar Award winning leading man. Gotta love it. Now all he needs is a Grammy or two...or three...who's counting. I hope this is just the beginning of a long and prosperous career for Mr. Foxx. Gives me renewed hope in my own aspirations.

That is all.

Just checking in...

2005-02-23T23:48:00.000-08:00

I'm getting kinda restless with ShadesofJazz. I think I'll be starting a new blog sometime soon...you will find out when I do.

Nothing much to say, which is why I haven't posted...I've just kinda been in my thoughts lately. And thats not always a good place to be when you're me lol.

My mom called Monday night. She wants to come see us. It's been three years for me, more then that for my brother and sister. I can handle someone being gone...it may fuck with me, it may hurt at times...but I can handle it. It's the in and out shit that I despise. Every 2-3 years she will pop up. I used to long for the times when she would re-emerge. Now I am trying to piece together enough anything in me to care. But obviously, on some level I do care, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting time and thought on it. My mom has a few undiagnosedmental issues and just a general condtion of letting life weigh her down to nothing. I used to do the same to an extent. But I am trying to put a stop to that and make the most of my life. She says she wants to be there for us now. The only thing she can do for me is to get her life together.

Anyway folks..it's a long, long story that I won't go into but yeah. It sucks. But I am not going to be burdened down emotionally and mentally by her and the accompanying issues any longer. I am a grown woman and it's time for me to forge my own path, one that in no way connects to the dysfunction of my family. For her sake, I hope she makes something of the rest of her life. If I don't do the best I can to make something of my own life, then I'm no better then her. I may look like her, I may have some of her fucked up tendacies, but I am not her. And I don't ever want to be.

My sister long-ago sent her last shred of compassion flying away. My brother, he has spent so much time in Jail, so its not like he has been around to miss her anyway. And me, I was the one hanging onto my need for her. My desire to have her be a functioning part of this world and my life. I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but somewhere along the last year or two, I let go. She says she has thought about going home to Alabama to get herself together, which I think is a decent idea. She said the only thing stopping her is that she wants to be here in Portland for us. Newsflash...in order to be there for someone, you have to be there in some capacity. I told her she should go. She is 51. I am 21. If I count up all the days I have said 'I'll do this tomorrow', 'I'll start that next week', or 'I'll finish that later', I have a significant amount of my life that was wasted. Every day we live is one less day we have to do just that. And I don't want to look up at 51 and be trying to get my shit together, wondering when my life slipped away from me. Wondering where time went. No fucking way.

So with that said...and I already knew this, but I have some major overhauling to do. She hasn't given me much in the last 11 years, but I can say her call re-affirmed my need to stop dreaming and start living. A dream is only that if we do nothing to make it reality. And I'm ready to wake the hell up.

Sorry ya'll...this post was unplanned. I was only going to come and say I had nothing to say, hence the title. Guess I did. I need some therapy lol.

Must Be Nice...

2005-02-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

My man Lyfe as another video finally...I like it, its chronicles his story basically. I am upset though, that when they asked what people thought of the video, that girl had to butcher his song like that lol...honey, no. Just no...folks always trying to get discovered. But anyhoo the video put me back in the groove with Lyfe. I played his CD constantly when I got in August, so for the last few months I've been laxed on listening to it. But I'll be pulling it back out tonight.

In other news...I found a fellow nappyhead who lives in Portland! Amazing...I could have sworn I was the only one, but good ol' nappturality proved me wrong. We're going to try to meet up this weekend, should be cool.

Nothing much else to say...so....adios.

*************************************************************************
American Idol just went off and my damn...that Travis Tucker is...his smile...whew. Let's just say his smile was causing palpitations in certain places...and it was a good thing he smiled alot :) Of course I noticed him before, but I don't like to get favorites until I know they've made it to the competition. He gotta stick around a few weeks at least...I need to see that smile. And he's talented to boot...::dreamy sigh::

There's a nice amount of eye candy on this show...probably because I'm partial to locs. David and Anwar both have lovely locs...but Anwar, cute as he is, strikes me as playing for the other team. Or maybe he's an alternate between the two. Either way, his hair is gorgeous.

This is going to be the best season yet, I think. Damn these reality tv shows...

Natural Hair

2005-02-16T01:38:00.000-08:00

After reading a post on Napkaboom's blog, Semi-Repost--Explaining Nappturality: Part 2 and 1/2 , I was inspired to post this paper I wrote in December 2003 during my brief stint in College. This was the first draft of the paper, and sadly (well not really...I'm glad I left) but still sadly...I left the school December 2003 lol. So I never got around to polishing this because it was not going to be turned in. So with that in mind, it's not up to my own standard as far as quality, but it fits what she was talking about. For the record during my time there every paper I wrote recieved an 'A' lol...while I don't think this paper is bad per se, it's just not my usual...this probably hovers around a 'C'. I still had it saved because I save everything...especially anything I've written.

Natural Hair: The Beauty the World Refuses to See

For most of my nineteen years in this world, I have believed that my hair was bad. That it was ugly and unruly and needed to be tamed via a perm. Even though I didn’t receive my first perm until I was age nine, I would always hear my mom and older sister make comments on how thick my hair was and how they didn’t feel like dealing with it. Now at age nineteen, I have decided to reclaim the hair I was born with and stop altering what was intended for me to have. In making my decision to go natural, I began to notice the attitudes that black women in particular have toward their hair.

Good hair. This term refers to hair that is straight, wavy or curly and contains no tight coils. It is a term that is associated with mixed race and if you are not of mixed race and have ‘good hair’, that is even better. Yes, this type of hair is beautiful, but what makes hair that is not ‘good’ any less appealing? Why do black women run from their kinks and coils? I have always seen the lauded ‘good hair’ as the type I wanted and needed to have. I felt that my hair was somehow less than wonderful because it did not fit under that label. Why did I view myself that way? The torture black women have to go through to get a look that is not meant for them is ridiculous. Prior to relaxing, you cannot scratch not comb you hair, otherwise you will have scalp burns. However, you tend to end up with a few of them anyway. Numerous times I have sat with the perm on my head, the chemical burning my scalp and tried to ignore the pain because I wanted my hair to be really straight. There would be times where I wanted to stop relaxing my hair, but feared the way I would be seen and what people would have to say. Natural hair is associated with militancy; something I have never deemed myself as. It is also seen as being ‘earthy’ and I did not want people to be like ‘what are you trying to be?’ Black women are conditioned to believe that the only way for them to be beautiful is for them to have straight hair. And those that have been born with it are automatically deemed as better off. Though I hate to admit it, I find myself checking textures all the time. Especially since my decision to go natural. I will look at someone’s hair and say to myself ‘well at least my hair is a bit wavier than hers.’ I now know that I am contributing to the world’s discrimination of natural hair by thinking this way. From the reactions I got to my decision to go natural, I could gather that most black women hold their chemically altered hair up on such a pedestal that they would not even dream of letting it go and embracing their true hair texture. Or they too, have bought into the ‘good hair’ mentality and have told themselves they couldn’t go natural because they do not have that type of hair. What does hair type have to do with going natural? The state of being natural is just being without chemicals in your hair, letting your hair free to do its own things. Having a particular type of hair should not be the deciding force in a person’s choice to wear their hair naturally. Anyone can wear their naturally. It is a major change, but it is one that I do not regret. The day I cut off my relaxed hair, I felt such happiness. Shouldn’t everyone want to feel that? I would think so, but unfortunately society has brainwashed black women into thinking that straight hair is the only way. What we were born with is not good enough. We have to fix it. And that is a sad state of mind to be in.

Natural hair is also looked at in the terms of being a so called, ‘free spirit.’ People expect you to be a certain way. I don’t look at myself in any of these ways. I just wanted to free myself of the hold chemicals had in my life. Does that make me wiser, more aware? Maybe it does. But my main goal was the health of my hair. So many people think that is the opposite way. They believe that if your hair is relaxed, than it is healthy. If it is ‘nappy’ than it is unhealthy. How can people think this? How can they really think that loading your hair with chemicals is healthier than leaving your hair the way it is? Though it makes no sense, people really believe that. I see white women getting hair extensions to make their hair fuller, trying to get what black women already have and here we are thinning our hair to create an illusion of what we don’t need. It’s just another from of self-hate. It boils down to us wanting to be something we are not. Don’t we see that it is time for us to stop thinking we are not good enough with what we have? A classic example is Michael Jackson, whose blatant self-revulsion drove him to alter his hair, skin and features until he no longer resembled a person African-American descent. Now he doesn’t even resemble a human. It’s distressing that the things about us that make us distinctly black are the things we revile the most. In choosing to go natural, I told myself that I was no longer going to view myself with the same standard of beauty as the world. And that means loving myself for who I am and what I have, ‘nappy’ hair and all.

It is highly unbelievable that everyone will ‘see the light’ and start to wear their hair natural. But my hope is that one day black women can really be true to themselves. Our hair is beautiful. It can be kinky, curly, wavy or thick. There are many variances in our hair and they all come together to make what we should be proud of. As for myself, I have made my choice and am going to stand by it, regardless of opinion. I can only hope that somewhere along the road of my life, someone will see my hair and see it as the true testament to beauty that it is. And I will smile because I already know this. I’m just waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.

Valentine's recap...

2005-02-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to do all I had planned for V Day, but I still had a nice day...I took a long, luxuriating bubble bath and caught up on some reading...went to see Hitch, which I loved....I have to start going to the movies alone more often, it was nice...I indulged and had a slice of pizza from one of my favorite pizza places, which I ate at the outdoor seating...bought two paperbacks for only six bucks...I'd read both of them in the past, but one I've always wanted my own copy of (Cheaters by EJD) and the other was only 2.98...I can't say no to a bargain, especially on books. Strolled around Downtown with the wind in my fro, the sun shining despite chilling wind in typical Portland fashion...I'd planned on going to this jazz club as mentioned, which is right down the street from the bookstore I was at...but I was so enraptured with the books (they were having a big sale) that I didn't leave when I planned...the set at the jazz club started at 7:30 and being Valentine's Day, I knew the place would fill up fast because its tiny...I still walked down to check, and not to my suprise, there were no seats. I didn't feel like standing...call it lazy if you want, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was getting cold anyway, so I just headed on home...but all in all it was a nice day. I spent the majority of the day away from home, which is something that happens all too rarely these days, so even though I didn't make it to the jazz club, it's fine...I stopped by my neighbors on the way home and was invited to this jazz thingamajig on Sunday along with her and her mother, so it works out.

Even though I was alone, I was not lonely at all. And that felt good, to just be in my own company and enjoy it without worrying about the stigma of doing things alone, especially on a holiday.

Well, I'm off to bed...I'm sleepy for once. Hope everyone had a good day yesterday.

Well...

2005-02-13T23:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone...hope you enjoy it whether you are alone or involved or just playing it by ear. I intend to enjoy my day...I have my little intinerary planned out. I'll let you all know what I end up doing exactly though, because planning doesn't mean jack when it comes to me sometimes.

Off to bed...at a decent hour folks. Can you believe it?

Do me a favor...

2005-02-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

Check out my section on the literary site Chaotic Dreams .

It's updated every 1-2 months depending on the schedule of the editor.

Adios.

Run that by me again...

2005-02-11T03:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, an associate of mine was telling me about her new kinda sorta man and she made a comment about him saying 'dang how many times are you going to wash your azz?'

*birds chirping...pens rolling across the floor...me whistling if I could*

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't you WANT someone to wash their behind? Goodness gracious...that comment floored me. She then proceeded to say that he said he likes it 'natural'.

*see above*

'Natural', in that vicinity, unless he was referring to not shaving, equals funky to me. She said that he went on to say 'the taste and consistency of the juices change if you shower right before as opposed to not'.

Well got damn. First of all, 'taste and consistency'??? This dude has taken time to notice a difference in consistency??? Taste, I'll grant you that. But you may be paying just a little too much attention to my lower region if you notice a change in consistency. My damn. Bruh...I may have to brand you as nasty. I was dying...maybe I'm not as well versed in sexual relations as I thought I was, because this is new for me. Showering changes the taste? In what way besides the obvious?

Pre-shower: the veil of the day's activity...sweat, closed in, etc; in other words not edible unless the situation is that damn serious.
Post-shower: so fresh and so clean, clean; in other words, all you can eat.

Now I'm not saying that its impossible to be entree-fresh after a day of living...me, I try to make it my goal to be ready for whatever, whenever. And sometimes the moment is so alive that you just gotta do what you do. But come on...someone actually preferring their girl to not get freshened up...I just don't know about all of that. Am I missing something? This is going to come off as a vast generalization, but the dude is Kenyan, so I don't know...maybe the fondness for that particular taste is relative to his background.

You learn something new everyday...but that's not a lesson I'll be tucking away for future use.
***************************************************************************

Why in the hell am I up? Dammit...I suck. My azz should have been asleep. Am I doing anything productive? Well, I'm blog hopping, which is arguably productive in some kinda way...okay so it isn't...I should be working on my book, but NOOOOO...that would be too much like right. I need some self-control folks.

'Hitch' comes out today...I think I'm going to wait until V day and go see it. Yes...alone. I've already gone through that whole spiel so I won't bore you again...besides, I need my full concentration to properly ogle Mr. Smith...and I'm going to need a shower scene a la 'I Robot', or at the very least some type of water cascading down some place. I will say that I am going in the morning to avoid the night rush of loving couples.

Now I'm going to sleep...for real.

Ah, the hilarity...

2005-02-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

My family thinks I'm a lesbian.

Okay, I have no solidified proof of this, but something is telling me they have discussed this and are trying to decide who is going to be the brazen soul and ask me.

So since when did being single and not minding that tidbit, became being a lesbian? It probably has to do with their marginal brain capacity, the fact that I have a big honeyish orangy fro and that I've struck up a cool camraderie with our neighbor, a 43-year old who keeps her natural hair very, very short. Oh and she used to be in the army too...guess that's real telling.

Simpletons.

In the car yesterday, I asked my sister if she and her husband knew what they were doing for Valentine's Day, because as their sole resource for babysitting, I wanted to know.

Sis: He was going to try to get the day off, but we're not really sure. Do you have plans?

Me: I was thinking of going to the jazz club I went to for my birthday. Take myself out.

Sis: *light is red so she turns to look at me, incredulity alllll across her face* Now why would you wanna do that?

Me: If you don't love yourself, who else can? I don't need a man to go somewhere on Valentine's Day.

Sis: Hm... *puzzeled laughter* I guess.

It was like she really could not wrap her mind around me going somewhere vaguely social alone...especially on that day. Even though I have dated non-stop since 16, I've only had a boyfriend on two Valentine's...one used to be gay but that's neither here nor there since I broke up with him for reasons unrelated to that...he got me this massive balloon that proved more annoying then cute when delivered at school, a teddy bear, candle and a card; and the other...just didn't get me anything. He chalks it up to it being a long distance relationship...I chalk it up to being cheap and lazy. Has he heard of sending a gift? I had a point with this...oh okay, yeah...with the exception of those two holidays were I was involved, I'd never taken much interest in the day, although I'd still be depressed for being single. But now I'm trying to be more progressive in my thought. I'm single...its a fact I know well. And I'm trying to make the most use of my singledom as I can, so that it won't be a wasted period of time, and I enter my next relationship as fugged up as I was in the previous one. So that means treating myself good...loving myself, so that I can see and believe that I am lovable, something I haven't always known. Becoming my own lover, to steal the title of an article in Essence this month.

So that leads me back to the whole lesbian thing. In trying to pamper myself and rejoice in my alone time, rather then complain and mope about it, my family thinks I've crossed over. Another point, my brother came over today (the one who just got out of jail) and he said "who you be spending all that time on the phone with?'...now mind you, I am not always on the phone. Quite the contrary...I hate the phone. It's just that for some reason whenever he happens to call, I am on the phone.

Me: no one...only person I talk to is my girl S. I don't get calls, nor do I really call people.

Bro:um hm...so you don't be talking to no dudes?

*now some posts back we had a similar conversation, where he thought I was lying about being single*

Me: nope...

Bro: so you and S, ya'll just friends?

Me: Uh...what else are we supposed to be?

Then my niece entered the room and jumped on his lap, so that breached the convo. But it's just amusing to me...for the record I'm not homophobic in the least...and one day if I never meet a man who compliments my time and I his, don't get murried, have kids, that whole spiel...I'd entertain the thought. But I'd have to have exhausted all my possibilities with the opposite sex.

As I get deeper into this self-love thing, it'll be interesting to see their responses. I just know that I am not going to halt my progress for anyone. So they can think what they want to think. I write alot about love on here, and of course, one day I do want to be involved and love and be loved. But I want to be a whole person first. I don't want to look to another person to make me whole. I want to be able to say yes I love you and I treasure our relationship, but I don't need you...I choose to share my life with you because I see something in you that compliments me and the love I have for myself. Not because without you I am nothing. I've felt like that before, and I never...eva...eva, eva, eva...want to feel that way again.

So yeah...this jumped all across the board, but you get the point...hopefully. If not, such is life...and my blog. I tend not to make sense sometimes.

Off to watch American Idol...yes I'm a reality TV junkie and I have no plans on changing that.

Smooches.

It's cold...

2005-02-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

and I don't feel like getting up to turn on the heat. Now how is that for lazy?

Today is mother's birthday. If I knew were to find her, perhaps this day wouldn't be so depressing. But alas, unless she appears on our doorstep, which she does have a knack for doing every, say two years, it will be another year of her life gone and another day that serves to piss me off.

Tomorrow is my brother's 25th birthday. Now for once, he is actually home and not in the clutches of metal bars, so this is extra special. Does extra special mean he'll be getting something from me? Hell naw. But it's still an extra special day :)

I love my new hair color. It feels like I have the sun on my head. It's amazing how free a change in appearance can make you feel. It matches my thoughts on life at this point in time and the direction I'm trying to head in. I really did miss my fro...love it.

And I'm still cold.

We didn't end up going to the club for my girl's bday. Instead we crashed a bootleg apartment gathering. It was fun...I suppose. But when I'm with those chicks fun always ensues. Not to mention when we're drunk...lol. But I don't want to see any likka for awhile.

I found a great cd case for 3.99 yesterday...holds 108. I really needed another one too. I seperated my cd's into burned/bought in the respective cases. Needless to say, I need to buy more cd's lol. I'm so bad.

Obviously I have nothing to say...but do I ever?

This guy I hooked up with a couple times in the summer, has been hinting at it again. Now I went to high school with this guy but we never knew each other. We met up online... I did it in the summer just out of curiosity and boredom, but now I'm cool. Don't get me wrong...if I was thinking with my body I wouldn't be here typing this okay? He can put in some work...lol. His body....ahem, as I was saying...yeah. I just don't want to go there...outside of our physicality, we have nothing to talk about, and while I know being that it was, quite simply a sex thing, there really is no need for conversation per se...but I don't feel like being bothered with that. His presence is annoying as well...it's just not worth it just to have something tasty to look at for a few hours.

Well, now that I've sufficiently wasted space, I'm off to bed. I bought Martin Luther yesterday (yes...bought. I'm so proud of myself) and I haven't listened to it yet. If you don't know who he is, he has a single out called 'Daily Bread'. I like his vibe...that funky, sexy, masculeminine thang. I'd have no qualms about being his daily bread.

Dammit I'm still cold...I need help. And a blanket...and some breakfast while you're up. No? Damn....stingy folks. No love I tell ya, no love.

Ciao.

And the fro returns...

2005-02-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

Well bloggers, I'm going back to my fro a few months. Probably only about two or three. Why you ask? Well, with me starting my locs on my own, and me not being hair inclined naturally, maintaining them was a hassle. I never bothered with my permed hair, it was always in a ponytail except for the first week after the perm lol. When I decided to go natural, I did mounds of research and whatnot, so I know what I'm doing...its just a pain to do it, at least on my own head. I was all set out to do it on my own so that they would really be an extension of me. I set out to have small, cultivated locs, and ended up freeforming most of the time. It was cute, but I know down the line I'd be unhappy with the direction they were taking. So when I start them again in a few months, my sister has volunteered her services, provided I teach her all the techniques. Which I have no problem doing...I just wish I had of been able to keep them up myself. But my focus is on losing weight and finishing these last stubborn chapters of my novel. My locs were seriously being short-changed, and that was not how I wanted things to be.

So alas, my fro has returned. My eventualocks really hadn't even progressed much, because since I started them the last week in October, they have been through many changes in method and I also had a pesky scalp problem for a week. So needless to say, even though some of them looked locked, they weren't. Taking them down was relatively easy. Now that I have my loose naps back for a time, I am going to go on and go after the seemingly elusive (at least for me) honey blond shade I've been wanting. I'm kind of dissapointed, but then again not really, because I know when I start on the journey again, I hope to have made progress with my weight loss and be completely done with this book. All things in time right? Besides, the urge to loc was really strong for me, and I did it before I originally planned to do it. Now what I know what the journey entails, from a vantage point of having attemtped it, I'm better informed for my second go-round.

It could be worse...I could go back to perming. But I have no desire whatsoever to do that, so no worries there. Perming just isn't for me anymore...but I don't judge those who do. If it pleases you, do what you do.

***************************************************************************
I can't seem to get this Houston ordeal out of my mind (or that picture). Even as I sat there typing that. I really wish my mind didn't wrap itself around other's problems the way it does, but alas, that's just me.

Mental illness is real. It's not imagined, it's not a 'family secret'. Don't brush it under the rug. Seeking professional help is not conceding to defeat. Not getting help is.

My heart goes out to Houston. I really, really hope that for his sake, he gets treatment. There's statements going around about his family, and them mishandling his money and denying his issues. All I can say is when you have people gunning for your success for their own benefit, you have a dangerous situation. I hope they realize that no matter how much 'damage control' they attempt, the concern should not be with making the public think everything is fine and well with Houston, it should be making sure that he gets help. For the mental issues, the drugs, all of it. His sister says he is 'smiling now' and everything is fine. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me that stabbing yourself in the eye is the work of someone who is perfectally fine mentally or otherwise. If they keep that shit up, his blood will be on their hands when his attempt is successful next time.

People mystify me, they truly do.

lil of this, lil of that

2005-02-02T03:24:00.000-08:00

I talk about love too much. I think about love too much. Blah.

My friend has run down her Valentine's Day itinerary to me...complete with dressing alike and picture taking. How...sickening. LOL...gosh, I sound bitter don't I? My Valentine's Day will consist of marching my single butt down to this jazz club that is going to have a nice set and no cover charge for the night....alone. It's just me, myself and I...and a few Lover Man's (yummy drink). Dem's da breaks.

In other news...I actually like working out now. Yes...me. I haven't lost much, probably only a pound or two, but I actually look forward to going to the track now. I will be looking divine this summer, do you hear me? Simply divine. If by the time I hit my goal I can figure out how to post pics (I'm not technologically savvy by any means), I'll post a before/after.

I'm going out with my above mentioned friend for her birthday on Friday, along with another friend. Size 7 and size 0 , respectively. I'm not saying my size, but just know I'm far bigger then that...at the moment. Not to mention that at 5'8", I'm taller then both of them by at least two inches, and a sista will be wearing high-heeled boots. And I have auburn/rust colored eventualocks (my own term for my not-quite-locks), which makes me stand out enough on its own. If I liked standing out, all this would be fine. But I don't. I can be over-analytical at times, and this is probably such a time, but damn...I can't stand sticking out like that. Looking like their bodyguard or something. Oh well...should be fun anyhow. I'm sure there will be some kind of story to tell.

I'm sleepy...so why am I still up?

That's all folks.

Just Something...

2005-01-31T04:01:00.000-08:00

I found when I was going through some word documents. It's a little tidbit I'd written for the Into the Mind section of my site - http://jhallwrites.tripod.com .
I had just gotten through reading a few posts on bruthafree's blog about love and falsity and things of the sort when I came across it. This was in May of 2004, and while I was not involved with anyone at the time, for some reason I must have been musing on the topic. By the way, I still feel the same.

Love.

It is what it is…right? a purposed state of mind rendering enchantment, that makes you do things you normally wouldn’t and weakens resolves you placed up to protect yourself from the very thing that’s defeating it.

I am one of love’s victims. I love hard. Too hard i’ve always told myself. Never could just like a person and be satisfied with that. Always had to evolve into me loving them…I’m territorial when it comes to my books, my music…but my heart? Sure, come on in…you’d think I’d learn, but I never do. One of life’s great mysteries I suppose.

I’ve come to think that there must be some type of flaw within me, some small blur in my genetic makeup that makes me a target for heartache.

So, right now this is where my mindset is at. Maybe I’ll figure it all out one day. Maybe I won’t.

Love.

It just is…what it is…my nemesis.

5/10/04

A Dream Captured

2005-01-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

I hope I don't leave this earth never knowing love. No equal letter substitutes. Not lust. No lies. Love...in entirety. The purest granule of love. Love that shades my gaze when I think of the person. Love that tickles me late at night in their absence, skin ripe for their return.

I came accross a poem on Larry's blog, in his post 'the thought of him still excites me' , that made me take pause, my heart feeling deprived of not not knowing a love such as the one he speaks of. Then, I was directed by my friend to read a post on Xquizzty1's blog titled 'wow'. I began thinking how cheated I would feel if I lived my life in its entirety and could never say someone loved me like that. The thought of finding a love that is at once fierce, true and all-consuming, a love that needs nothing but what I can give, a love that leaves me feeling full and bouyant...it mystifies me. I don't even know what I would do with a love like that, but I want it.

I just hope it finds me sometime in this string of events better known as my life. And to those who have found it, held it in their grasp, let it go, missed it, still are within its clutches...that's a beautiful thing. To go to sleep knowing you don't have to dream about finding the person who is already next to you. Simply ethereal, honestly.

As for me? I'm going to rest my head and wander. Caress the possibilities. Immerse myself in a hope that I too, will one day be able to say with complete honesty, that I have loved. And was loved. Dream about waking up next to someone who has no desire to be anywhere but next to me. Wrap my mind around the concept and let it rest there, cultivating and simmering, ready to one day unfold into a captured dream.

There's this poem I wrote awhile back...it fits what I'm talking about here, so I'd like to share it:

Objective Aspiration

I want to go to a place
Where saccharine melodies
Tug at the heartstrings
For days on end
Where happiness dances
On clouds close as the eye can see
And effervescence rolls off of your tongue
Like sun ripened berries in a humid summer
I want to go to a place
Where my imperfections
Are in perfect in the minds eye
A place where time
Waits for only those who live
Each second as if it is their last
And whimsical thoughts
Are somehow planted in the tumbled earth
Cultivated so that they become
Of their own substantial merit
I want to go to a place
Where a wish
Can be gently cradled
On the wings of hope
And in turn can flutter away
On the strength of an everlasting dream
I want to go
To a place
Called
Love.

It's A Celebration Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-01-19T01:40:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gents...attention please. Come closer...closer...not that close, damn don't fog the screen...you ready? Listen up, cause this here is muy importante...

I am 21. That's right...

This is a major achievement for me because there have been a lot of times where I thought I wouldn't see 21. The whole house is asleep but I'm wide awake as usual...sipping an appletini and dancing inmy seat to anything that comes on VH1 Soul...tonight is gonna be simple, just dinner and a jazz club with my neighbor. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a birthday tune-up...but I'll be fine without one I suppose. BUT...I can't say if I come across a prospect I won't settle for a post-birthday service session lol...for this weekend. Since I don't do one-night's anymore...but lemme quit. I'm supposed to be fine being alone and I am.

I was going to do entry 2 for Stupidity and Beyond, but dammit I don't feel like it. I'll do it tomorrow...

My ex's birthday is on Friday. He'll be 23...seems like just last week I was turning 19 and he was turning 21. My how time flies...well, that's the end of that nostalgia sec.

As for my book...I'm extending the deadline to the end of January. I know, I know, I suck...but honestly, it will be done before February 1st. I wish I had of been able to get it done for a gift to myself, as I was going for...but things don't always turn out as planned.

And...off for another drink. Smooches :)

Heyyyyyyy

2005-01-16T23:30:00.000-08:00

Jamie won a Golden Globe!!!!!!!

I'm so happy for him...now let's get him an Oscar.

That's all for now.

To Stupidity and Beyond...Numero Uno

2005-01-16T01:56:00.000-08:00

And it so happens, that as I prepare to type this, 'I've been A Fool For You' by Miles Jaye is playing...an omen? Methinks so.

LOL....

Anyway, I've decided to display some of my more entertaining (at least to me) and introspective forays with the opposite sex. The title is self-explantory. I think I'm going to do one person an entry, so my stupidity will abound over the next few days lol.

So let's see...let's start with J. These will be in the order I feel like writing them in. Anyway...so we met one balmy August night in 2003. I was downtown at the train stop in front of Saks Fifth Avenue coming home from some location that now escapes me. I was looking, in my opinion, rather drab. I was still perming my hair back then, and my hair was in its ever-present ponytail. Anyway...so at the opposite end of the train stop, I se this guy. He's tall, upwards of six feet though I couldn't pinpoint an exact measurement. A brown sugar melted with butter complexion. Nice legs, as evident in his blue khaki shorts. I don't approach men, so I caught enough of him in my minds eye to savor without being detected and went on about my business, listening to music and looking for train. So a few minutes go by and I feel eyes on me. I look, he looks away. I feel it again. The same thing ensues. Being the doofus I can sometimes be, I decided to rifle through my purse, just to have something to do and to appease the warmth that was building in my toes and curling upward. Finally, he comes over and I honestly don't remember the first thing he said to me because I was staring at his eyes. If anyone read the Pretty Eyes and Cold Fries post, then you know I'm an eye person in a major way. J's eyes were creamy gold with flecks of green. Basically they should have been outlawed cause without those sparkling orbs, I would have had more sense.

So we get to talking, and he has me laughing about losing his friend downtown. He apparently hadn't even wanted to go out that night, but his friend drug him out, then somehow they lost each other...so instead of looking for his friend, since he didnt want to be there anyway, he decided to catch the train home. So anyway, we're laughing, falling into an easy rhythm. The train comes and he asks if I have to be on it, to which I replied no...cause at that time in my life, I hated being at home. Any excuse to stay gone longer was A-okay with me. So he suggests we walk down to the waterfront and talk some more. Along the way, I find out that he was 27...I was 18 at the time. So yada yada yada...so on and so forth. We end up stopping the store and grabbing a six pack of Skyy Blue and then we talked at the waterfront for about two hours or so. Found out his bday was Jan 17th, mine the 19th...same musical tastes. Basic shit I that I thought was cute. The last train was approaching, and we were enjoying ourselves. So inevitably, the topic came up of 'well we could continue this at my place'. Now...ladies and gents, I'm not naive. The man was sexy as all get-out, smelling good, eyes just a-twinkling. And I'm a big girl. So I knew that if I went home with this man...a good time was to be had by all. lol. Now of course...this can be construed as ho-ish, and being honest it was...but the eyes had me. So I was like cool...we can do that.

Alright...fast forward to the morning after. I'd had a somewhat one night stand before, but I was finding J's level of fineness one hard to walk away from. But I knew the rules going in...what happened that night was that night. But I still left my cell phone number...in case. lol...I didn't want his number because I knew myself and if I had it, it would have been far too easy to become a tad stalker-ish. He said he would call, but I wasn't holding my breath. I'm not an facially challenged chick by any stretch of the imagination, and at the time I was in pretty damn good shape, but I still didn't think I was on his level per se. I was never the most confident person.

So I made myself chalk it up to a good time and be done with it. There was, after all, other folks to keep my mind off Mr. J.

Well, about two weeks later, he calls. I can't even lie and say I hadn't thought about him...his face is not one easily forgotten. Not to mention he was funny and he smelled like heaven itself descended upon his skin. So when he called, I tried to play it cool...but alas, I am many things, but cool ain't one of them. So I consented to come over...and what ensued was five months of dysfuntion.

We would see each other two, sometimes three times a week on average. Occasionally we'd see each other every day. He rented the upstairs from his female cousin, who had a little girl. Going over there was always interesting, because once you got through the living room and up the stairs to his part of the house, it was like two different worlds. He was clean and orderly. His cousin was white, and this is in no way reflective of all white folks, but she would always be laid up with the dog on the sofa, and the whole downstairs just smelled of animal and was generally a mess. But I digress...we began to fall into a routine. He worked in construction and even with concrete smeared on his hoodie, holes in his jeans, cement caked boots and dry hands, he was one of the finest muhfuggas I'd laid eyes on. I'm telling ya...Jazz was off in a different world. Sprung. J was my kind of my prize, my elusive 'pretty boy' was how I looked at him at the time. I'd come over, give him a massage, we'd watch movies, eat takeout, sip a little something, fall asleep, wake up, do what grown folks do, go back to sleep, laughing and bullshitting all the while. I was comfortable around him. We'd wrestle, dance, throw things at one another...all in good fun of course. But there were other times, when he'd be down about his daughter, and how he didn't get to her as much as he wanted, or a number of other things, that I'd just listen to him talk. Let him lay his head on my lap and just spout off about whatever.

He would tell me, 'I'm no good for you...I'm a screw-up...you have too much potential to be sitting here with me'. In the words of Opie, my pet name for Oprah, 'if someone tells you who they are, believe them'. But of course, Opie didn't say that until sometime last year, and even though its something I should have known on my own, I didn't. I had the 'I can save him' syndrome. I thought that all his issues...and there were a lot that I just ain't mentioning...could be absolved by my lovin' lol. Not to say I loved J...cause I didn't. I was in love with the idea of being with someone who looked like J. I would look at the pictures of his daughter and be in love with the thought of having a child as beautiful. All my feeling for him was based off of what he saw in the mirror. I eventually had to realize that being beautiful doesn't make you perfect. He was a man like any other man I'd met, a man with flaws and weaknesses, insecurities. All of which I wanted to ignore because when I looked at him, all I saw was perfection, and being with him made me feel a bit closer to perfect myself.

So eventually, I get a call and he is like 'look, I think we should cool it...I never planned on this being a relationship and that is what its turning into.' His words crumbled me. Remember, he was my prize. Not having J? Not in the equation. At the height of my infatuation, I would have walked butt naked in the snow to get this man some ice cream on Sunday morning if need be. An exaggeration, but unfortunately not by much. That was how gone I was.

So needless to say, I was crushed. I tried to go on about my business, but he would still call, which messed with my mind. I would analyze the conversation for a clue that he wanted to see me, and hang up dissapointed when I didn't find one. Then one day he called and just said 'come over'. Like a fool, I went. Another month of the same ole ish, and then he halted it again. He fed me the line about caring about me, which is why he didn't want to waste my time with someone like him. I, of course, proceeded to tell him that no, it wasn't a waste of my time, and a load of other self-depricating crap. He was like 'all that you're feeling me, all this you're saying, put in your book. I'll see it one day and know what I missed out on', or some ish like that. Insanity I tell ya.

One thing I will say for myself, and this is not a good thing, which is why I am on a dating sabbatical until I'm through working on myself...is that I would not hesitate to absorb the pain of one guy with another guy. So I started conversing with the guy who is now my current ex...but thats another story. Anyway...up until the whole J scenario, I never realized how insecure and misguided I was. I let his appearance validate me, and without being able to say I had someone who looked like him in my life, I felt like I was just...me. A person that at that time in my life, I didn't want to be. For those hours with him, I wasn't the too quiet chick, with not enough sista in my posterior, with eyes too slanted and no set place in the world. I felt like I was someone else with him, a person I liked being. I had to find that person on my own, and fine-tune the hell out of her, which is what I am in the process of doing now. It didn't come right off, it took my last relationship to really kick the process into high-gear.

I can't front though...J will always be one the sexiest men I've ever met. Without that experience I would probably still be searching for myself in the eyes of another. I've realized that there is more to a person then what their outer shell shows, and if you can't see past that to what really matters, then you're whole perception of that person and ultimately, yourself, is distorted. I no longer look for validation in anyone but myself, in the confines of my unsista-like azz, my too slanted eyes.

So yeah...damn that was a long post. If you read it all, you get a cookie...aw dang. I ate em' all...oh well. But hey, reading is fundamental, so perk up.

I'm gonna try not to make my next expose on self-stupidity as long...but I ain't promising anything.

See ya next time.

A Simple Wishlist

2005-01-15T02:16:00.001-08:00

Has anyone heard this song called 'Sincere' by Foreign Exchange? It's featuring Yahzarah but she doesn't get a featuring credit. Anyway...it's a nice song. I might have to see if I can find the CD.

Hey...'Other Side of the Game' by E. Badu is playing...this is my shiiiiiit...love this song. *excuse me as I sing along*

Moving on...as I was cleaning the kitchen earlier, I started to think about what I want out my next romantic endeavor. I realize, and its not some earth shattering revelation, just a thought I'm just now bringing into focus...that I have never had a real relationship. Of course, the definition of such a relationship is arguable, but I can pretty safely say I've never had one. I've had the 3 and 6 month flings, which prevail...and one, one year stint dysfunctionality. I can honestly look at every guy I've had in my life and I never really knew them. If you ask me one distinguishing fact that isn't blatantly obvious, I probably don't know it. And that, ladies and gents, is a sad fact.

So this just got me to thinking, as I filled the dishwasher, wiped counters and stove, swept and mopped, about what I would want and need to feel like I had a real relationship. Some of the things are trivial, and don't go to the real relationship thing, but just something I want in an overall realtionship. I probably have forgotten a few by now since this was hours earlier, but here goes:

*in no particular order by the way*

1. A FRIEND
2.reads something other then King Magazine and the sports section of the newspaper.
3. wears clothes that fit...of course I don't want them to be all tight-fitting and everything, but I want them to be your size.
4.respects my dreams
5. someone I can talk to without feeling like I have to hold anything back
6. has a passion in life
7. someone I can read my work to without hesitation
8. can make me laugh/smile
9. tells me I'm beautiful and means it
10. not afraid to be loved
11. will lounge around with me on a rainy day in sweats, eating Subway and watching TV and reading.
12. Has an extreme love of music and an eclectic musical taste
13. knows that I love tootsie rolls (flavored ones as well), bit o honeys, laffy taffy's, mambas and spearmint lifesavers, and that bringing any of them or all will result in good things for him.
14. will watch Love Jones with me without making any disparaging comments.
15. will shower with me
16. will play in my locs...wash them too if I get real lucky.
17. will let me caress his booty lol...this is a hard one. I know guys are uncomfortable with this, but dammit I love a nice azz, what can I say? And if you have one, I'm going to want to get acquainted with it (to a certain degree folks)
18. will believe in and practice fair exchange (I don't need to explain this one do I?)
19. will chill in a bookstore with me, reading magazines, books, and sipping something in the cafe.
20.is not overbearing in their beliefs, because I'm not religious.
21. will not let me settle for being less then what I can be
22. will send me flowers (which I have never recieved for anything in my entire life)
23. will support rather then discourage
24. will understand that I will always be cautious about female friends, especially if you have a problem introducing us.
25. will know that I am naturally quiet and will not expect me to change that for anyone including his friends or family.
26. as a lover, is intent on pleasing me and making sure I am fulfilled...which I will do the same.
27. will know that I do not play dominoes/bones, whateva, any card games, etc...and have no desire to.
28. and will know that # 27 does not make a weirdo lol...
29. will know that I do not play any sport and could actually care less about them, but will not mind watching them with you...granted, i'll probably end up reading, but hey I'm there. lol. or better yet, I'll cook for ya while you watch...there ya go. Sounds like a plan.

Yada, yada, yada so on and so forth...as if anyone is reading all of them lol...anyway, there are more but they've slipped my mind. I'm a simple girl, honestly. I don't think I'm asking for much, but almost all of that I've never had...which makes you wonder what types of guys I have dealt with huh? Makes me want to slap myself lol...but in my defense, I was young, insecure and stupid. A lethal combination if there ever was one.

I may finish the list later...who knows.

Lenny Kravitz's 'Lady' is playing now...makes me feel so sexy...makes me feel good to be a woman. Love ya Lenny, with ya masculeminine self (my friend T and I's word for men of this sort)...I love those types...Lenny, Andre 3000, the original posterboy, Prince...anyway, I've moved completely from my topic, so buh-bye.

Toodles :)

My Eyes Are Green...But I Don't Eat A lot of Vegetables

2005-01-14T01:43:00.000-08:00

E. Badu 'Green Eyes'...gotta love it. I know the line...purposely butchered it for my own pleasure...so don't correct me on it :)

I don't want to be jealous. Really, I don't. I want to say that being in the company of such wonderful writers in this blogosphere is a joy, a thrill...and it is. Most days. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try to keep it at bay, that seed of envy burrows down deep, feasting on my procrastination and writers doubt, and before I know it, its blossomed into full-on jealousy and I want to forget I ever wanted to be a writer, curse my inability to be entertaining and at once thought-provoking, sassy or even interesting.

Every day without fail, I come across yet another delightful blog. The approaches they take to blogging, the themes, the issues they touch on all vary, but there is one constant: they hook you. The way they string together words has an effect on you, and whether it makes you laugh uncontrollably, tilt your head to side and say 'hmm', or snap in a sista-girl circle, they all hit you. Alot of the bloggers I read just seem like natural-born writers. The way they have phrased something is probably insignificant to them, but to me it's crazy. Like wow. I wish I had that natural talent, just imbedded within me. Wish I didn't have to try to be what some people just are.

A few people have told me they like my blog, and while I don't doubt their sincerity, I do doubt my blogging skills/writing skills in general. I do the same thing with my fiction, especially when some of the bloggers I'm reading are just relaying the details of their day-to-day and to me, its sounding better then what I'm writing. Its funny to me because I love the written word so much, all that it creates and upholds, that I want to make myself be a writer. I always say, and with full truth, that if I never get published, i'll still be creating characters and plots and hearing dialogue come to me and all that jazz. And so in essence, I will always be a writer. But I will always want, wish for that natural gift, that ability to make a person say 'wow' without even trying.

All I can do is work with what I have, which is what I will continue to do. There is so much talent brewing within this new world and even with my lame contribution, I am glad to be a part of it.

Off in search of more tantalizing reads...me and those damn green eyes of mine.

***have you seen that D'Angelo mugshot???? I am so not tech savvy, so I can't post it...but aw lawwwwd...my brotha, my brotha. I wish I could just go and snatch all the talented black artists that have fallen from grace and send them to a 'get ya shit together' boot camp. I know times can get hard but damn...that just hurt my heart.***

Shoot Me Now

2005-01-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

So, my brother is home now. He popped up at the door last night, looking surprisingly refreshed and stylish. What woman is out there buying this stuff for him? Wonders never cease. Anyhow...so yeah, I'm in bathroom re-twisting my hair in my house attire. Now...house entire is a stylistic way of saying I looked like a variety platter of fecal matter. Now...untwisted locs+house attire=got damn. I don't see my brother but what, every turquoise moon (and has anyone seen a damn turqouise moon??) so he is looking at me like 'damn sis...' LOL. I would have liked to be dressed, as to show that I am fully capable of looking like a functioning (and damn cute) member of society. He pulls one of my locs, and since they ain't really locs yet, but more of twist-like thingamajigs, it sprung back. He did it again and laughed like a kid. What the hell? Is it that interesting? So he proceeds to go talk to my brother-in-law and I go back to doing my hair. He seeks me out oh, about 30 minutes later and I'm on the phone in the kitchen. I don't like talking in front of folks, and we weren't talking about anything anyway, so I told my friend I'd call her back later (which means we won't talk for another few days...why do folks lie like that? lol) So my brother leans against the counter, this little smirk on his face.

"Was that your boyfriend?" (He says this like I am thirteen and its adorable or something...help me. Please.)

"Nope. That was my friend Shawana...you probably don't remember her."

Okay, now he is looking at me like I'm lying to him.

"What's his name?"

Crickets. Pens dropping. I can hear the wind against the window pane.

"Uh...there is no one to name. I'm single...as single as the word can possibly mean."

"I can find out his name. I have my sources."

GRRRRR....lol. I swear. And he was still cheesing like I just said my ABC's for the first time or something. Fool, how many years of have you been gone? Hell, being that you have spent so much time behind bars, its quite possible that my sex life to date trumps yours...unless there was some shady business going on and I don't want nor need to know about that. So him acting like he is one step away from cooing at me is ridiculous.

"So what you been up to?"

"Trying to finish my book, get my license." (Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't have my license yet...so?)

"Oh you driving?"

No...I'm getting my license to walk. "Yeah...I can drive."

"So about this book...you serious about it? Like publishing it and all that?"

"That's the plan."

"You could be kinda famous doing something like that."

"Years from now...a remote possibility. But not right off the bat."

"Nah, you gonna be be famous. You my little sister." (I appreciate the vote of confidence, but really, he said it like that fact alone will see me to the New York Times Bestsellers list)

Gee...life is now complete. Being your little sister means that damn much.

"Yeah...anyway..."

After he decided to re-visit the boyfriend thing once more, I was too through. Besides, after bullshit bantering such as that, we don't have much to say to each other. So I went to my neighbors and chilled over there, while he and my brother in law played PS2.

I know on my birthday he is going to act a mess. Monitoring what I'm drinking, how much. Laughing as I take the first sip, thinking he teaching me something and then frowning as I down the glass lol. Nah...but I really hope this whole thing wears off soon. My sister is turning 30, he's turning 25, I'm turning 21. We'z all grown folks now...you missed out on alot of years and that's too bad, but don't come home thinking you can re-create those moments. Not gonna happen. I love him but geez...

Let's see how long he'll be here this time.

Sweet Love

2005-01-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

::Cueing Anita Baker, singing along off-key::

I felt damn good yesterday.

I can't quite pinpoint the exact reason, but I didn't walk down the street today, I floated. I didn't smile, I beamed. Despite near bone-chilling winds, the sun shimmered against the backdrop of cerulean sky, a beautiful contrast to the wipsy clouds. It's one of the many wonders of Portland weather. My gloved hands deep in my pea coat, which I just adore...however late I am on that lol...scarf imbedded in the collar, wrapping me in warmth...Justin Timberlake's 'Let's Take a Ride' beating in my ears...don't shun me folks :) ...I just felt good. Light...airy...the feeling rode with me when I entered the train. It carried a thought onto my pysche, one that made the span of my lips, the stretched motion, expand further and probably amuse fellow train riders, thinking I was deranged. It dawned on me that I am single.

And I'm fine with that.

Not only am I single, but I am single by choice. I could easily be back with my ex. Two years ago, it would have been completely asinine for me to be single when there is someone who wants me. I would have put aside our issues and gave it another go-head, just so I would have someone, in some way. But no more. Now, the me I am in 2005, thinks its asinine to be with someone for the sake of doing so. I want more than that. Need more than that. Deserve it. I have come a long way from the destructive trajectory (I've always liked that word...trajectory) I was traveling a few years ago. And so if I really am hard pressed to locate a point of reference for my good feeling yesterday, I'd say that is why.

Because of who I no longer am. And who I am becoming.

This is an addictive feeling folks..I tell ya. Feeling bad for so long, basically my entire existence, has me wanting to overdose on happiness right now. I could easily get used to that extra bounce in my step, that self-assured presence. That...happiness.

Yeah...I could definitely get used to it :)

J

Aw, what the heck

2005-01-11T02:52:00.000-08:00

Since I'm already in one of my infamous 'my fugged up family' moods, I thought I'd post this poem....so yes, this is two posts in one day. Two people...let's not all get excited at once.

This poem came to mind one day after watching 'One Hour Photo' with Robin Williams. I have always been curious about the my lack of baby/early childhood pictures...I have no clue what I looked like until age 7. The quote was 'No one takes a picture of something they want to forget'. So I just picked up the pen and jotted this down...not a great one, but it captures my thoughts and feelings on the issue.

Initial Imagery

Syrupy smiles…eyes bright like sunrise…bursts of effervescence…bubble like spit dripping down chins…chubby cheeks….baby fat to be lost…happiness….existence…treasured…sweet serenity…calmness of a child soul…

These things exist in images…moments of time frozen….to capture an eternal essence…exist to recall a second…a fraction of time…in a life that will ultimately disappoint…

In this collage…of time stained treasures…I don’t exist…I have no glossy 4x6’s…5x7’s…mirroring a simple complexity….of a child’s mind…the unobtrusive innocence of an infant…

I only have clashing memories…leading me to ponder the why...the lack of my moments in time…no one takes a picture of something they want to forget…so quite possibly I was wished to not exist…quite possibly dreams come true…

For in the twenty years I’ve known…nothing has held substance…relativity…no smiles…no laughter…no love…only I….a shattered shell of a woman…trying to forge a way forward…not knowing from whence I came.

J. Hall

Well, that's enough depressing crap for the time being...Adios bitches.

Oh Bother...

2005-01-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

So my brother is back in jail AGAIN. Let me explain the backstory for the word again. My brother's career as an inhabitant of the judicial system, started at age 13 when he stole his first car. That brilliant display of craftiness (read: sarcasm) landed him in Juvenile Detention, not surprisingly. I could go on and on and list his amazing achievements, but I have no desire to punish my fingers in such a way. What I will say, is that after he came home from that visit, what ensued was a torrid affection for being locked up. It seemed he just could not do enough to make sure he had a place behind bars.

Well, he's really outdone himself this time. He came home September 2004 and was out for a month. He was out driving drunk in his baby's momma's car in Lake Oswego, an inarguably Caucasian city, about 8 miles outside Downtown Portland at 2 am. Add to that he was speeding. The police in Lake Oswego must have thanked the stupidity Gods that such a sight would come their way. Not to mention, he told his girlfriend/baby momma that he would be in Troutdale, which is the complete opposite direction of Lake Oswego. So she wanted to know what the hell he was doing where he was at. I know my brother. The question is not what he was doing, its who he was doing. So needless to say, they snatched him up, hoisting him right back to his home away from home. Towed her car, which she in turn had to use part of her rent money to get out. This in and of itself was perplexing to me, because this was the same man who had given me this long speech about 'this time it'll be different Jazzy, I'm home for good.'

In the past years, he would come home and be out for at least a good six months, maybe more if the heavens saw fit to play a joke on us. So a month was a new record. Until recently. From that stint he was in November to around the last week of December. He did good and didn't go out on New Years Eve. But I suppose he started to get cabin fever, and just could not resist going around with his now baby momma's cousin, who has a warrant out for his arrest.

Repeat after me class: stuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid!

So the police pulled them over and....back to square one. My sister told me in the store Sunday, as we browsed the aisles.

Her : I didn't tell you while you were driving, but your brother has managed to get himself locked up again.

Me: Oh.

What other reaction can I have at this point? There is only the three of us. Our father has been absentee since my birth (I was conceived during a seperation gone awry...but he quickly rectified the problem by ceasing to be seen again). Our mother, though I love her, is seriously off her rocker (Never let a man take your sanity). None of us have seen her in years.

I started this entry out laughing at the matter. But, rehashing this as I type saddens me. Why? Because we don't know each other. When we are around each other, its awkward. Especially since I am the 'strange' one. I read. I write. I'm quiet. I prefer soul music to rap. I stopped perming my hair. So its like were complete strangers.

Part of me wants to say I don't care. That my lack of familial foundation doesn't faze me. I suppose in some way, I've grown numb to it, and so that part can say that she doesn't care. But there is still a little girl in me that wants a real family. That dreams of being able to go to my brother for advice, being able to cook with my mom, hug my father.

But little girls grow up. And dreams wither when not cultivated.

It is what it is...my reality.

Shucks...I've gone and depressed myself LOL...only I folks...only I.

I'm outta here.

Life ...Under New Management

2005-01-10T03:16:00.000-08:00

Title is a play on the song, Love Under New Management by Miki Howard for those not knowing.

Moving on...

I am this close to finishing the first draft of my novel. This being about 15 or so chapters. Sounds like a lot, but my novel as-is has a lot of chapters. So in light of where I could be, 15 isn't a lot. Plus they're not long chapters. In one of the many re-write sessions that will ensue, some chapters may be combined. It's a good feeling, being almost there. But I can't revel in it as I should be able to, because its still indeterminable whether I'll have enough umph in the coming days to get it from almost to done. I should mention that my completion goal is my 21st birthday, January 19. If the remainder of the novel goes as planned, this is my gift to myself, and a pretty damn good one in my opinion.

After the first draft is done, I will print it out, do a basic read over, and get it ready to have my sorta somewhat mentor, Margaret Johnson-Hodge (best-selling multi-published author...one of my favorites), read it. She has read 25 pages and liked it, and is going to read the completed work to give me any suggestions she has outside of one's she has already made. I also have another reader, a good friend who has been reading it from day one, who will read it in its entirety. After I collect the general consensus of those readings, I will begin the major re-writes. Another reading, and hopefully no more re-writes, and I'll be sending out to agents to begin my quest for representation. How long this ne this next phase takes depends on the readings.

After the novel, tentatively titled Four Letter Word, is being sent out to agents, I'll start on the task of finishing two other novels-in-progress I have brewing. I also have a host of ideas waiting to be started. I'm looking to make 2005 a productive year for myself, and the start of better years in the future.

This is also the year of the transformation. I will step into 2006 as considerably less woman. Looking to go from my current 14-16 to a solid 10. I am tall, so anything less then a 10 and I may begin to look waifish. I am looking at my weightloss as a life change, rather then a quick fix.

My locs are progressing slowly, but surely. I am interested to see the changes they will continue to go through this year.

Basically, I am just looking to be the best Jazz I can be this year. Its past damn time. I'm tired of holding myself back and looking at life from the sidelines. It's time to step onto the playing field and show muhfuggas what I'm made of. I'm not looking, but I'm open to the possibilities of finding the protoype this year. But if I have my say in it, if Cupid's piercing can be stalled, I'd rather take care of myself first. So Cupid, I should be a good target round this time next year. Look a sista up, would ya?

I will be 21 in 9 days...got damn. I kinda wish I had no experience drinking, so that the fact that I could legally do it would hold some type of...allure. But alas, it doesn't. I've been tossing bottles back for ages now...I'm not nearly as much of an alkie as that portrayed me to be :)

Anyhoo...since this was my first post of the new year, I just ran down some of the goings ons of present and the plans for the future. I'm also planning on being a better blogger in the coming year...cause as all know from the slim pickings round these here parts...I suck.

Until next time folks.

J

Seasons Greetings

2004-12-25T06:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas fellow bloggers, readers, etc...

Hope the day brings all you hoped for and more :)

Smooches.

Maybe

2004-12-21T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of retiring my blog. Why, you ask? Well, because it was quite challenged for me to start one at this time in my life. Why? Because, in plain jane terms, I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!! Not at the moment anyway. If blogs were circulating three, four years ago, I'd have an entry everyday. But alas, I've grown quite boring in my old age.

But seriously, I'm at a point where I'm trying to take steps to better my life in the future: finish my book, lose some poundage....basically exercise the potential that is lying beneath the surface. I'm also an auntie/live in babysitter, which occupies my days.Which is fine with me, because it allows me to write without worrying about a job. So I have no workplace drama to speak of. My nights, consist of writing, thinking about writing, getting frustrated for not writing...so I have no social life either. The legal drinking age birthday is next month, so I may have a tale then, but really other then that and possibly New Years, I won't be going out anywhere. I just don't feel like being out and about when things are not in order for me internally.

So yeah...even though its sucks extreme ass particles, I like my blog. So I would like to keep it...but then again its kinda just wasting space. Who knows...eventually, probably this summer, I will be back on track as far as going places, doing things, doing people...lol. Nah...that's on a even more serious hiatus.

So we'll see...maybe I should just post about the junk in my day to day life. But it would get pretty monotonous after awhile. Blah.

Bye folks.

Pretty Eyes and Cold Fries

2004-12-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

I was standing in line at McDonalds, debating against the healthy route of a salad and the one I really desired to take, which would lead me right into a big mac. My niece was scampering around, begging for the toys on display, then off-shooting to cries of "I wanna go to the slide!". Being the fabulous aunt I am, I tuned her out. My friend Charli and her son were behind me, her son using all his year old strength to buck from his mothers arms.

Up ahead, the staff at McDonalds seemed to be in a time warp, a magical, luxurious place where there was not a line of about ten people waiting, and only one register open. They moved with amazing slowness, as if they had taken a cue from me and tuned us customers out. When it was finally my turn to grace the register, my eyes stayed on the menu, still having my internal salad vs. big mac debate. I gave my niece's order, then finally decided that today was not a health day.

The forest green shirt with yellow stripes on the collar and sleeve, boasted nothing outstanding about my order taker, if that's what you call them. I've never taken time to ponder that. The usual stragetically placed stains and lackluster black pants, paired with a dingy McDonalds cap. He kept his head down, as if giving the customer eye contact was rule number one in the big book of 'Things A McDonalds Employee Does Not Do', right up there with 'give speedy service'.

"$ 7.28."

The order taker looked up and if I hadn't of been leaning against the edge of the counter, I would have swooned. This less then ideal employee had the most amazing eyes I'd seen in a long, long time. They were so bright and clear; an airy sky blue green, that instantly made me think of skies in paradise. The contrast to his lightly browned skin, the neatly maintained moustache and goutee, the full lips resting within its confines, all had my thoughts in a jumble and all of a sudden, I couldn't discern between the bills in my wallet-as if there were many there to begin with. I fumbled taking out eight dollars, thinking of the many things I could do with and to a man with eyes like he pocessed.

Our fingers touched on the monetary transfer, and I used all my will to contain the smile that wanted to creep across my face. After I moved aside , my friend decided to be a good samaritan and let an elderly woman go ahead of her. I didn't notice his voice when he told me my total, probably because I was too busy mentally swimming in the oceans he calls eyes. But as I heard him say 'Sesame seed bun' to the customer, I was further thrown into lust. Who in the hell can say that and sound sexy?

Obviously he could.

As my order was placed in front of me by the manager, I remembered that today I exhibited an astounding array of fucked up-ness, and it quickly halted my thoughts. I cursed my bad fortune, laziness and lack of future seeing abilities. I gathered my niece and my nephew, who had been sleeping contentedly in his car seat at my foot, and sat them down at a near by table. I made another trip for the food and condiments and waited for my friend and her son. I tossed another glance his way, but his eyes were not in my line of view.

"That man is gorgeous Charli. His eyes..."

Charli dipped a fry in ketchup and passed it to her son. Charli is my 43-year old neighbor. I have always been odd, getting along better with people older then myself. I always tell her that if she were around my age, which is soon to be 21, we would not be friends. She looks damn good for her age though, and she is quite funny. She also wears her hair in a nearly there cut, which I admire being a natural girl myself.

She laughed and said, "I'm trying to tell you. I wondered if you noticed."

"How could I not? Did you see me fumbling with my money?" I laughed. "He has a nice voice too. Damn shame." I tossed a few now cold fries into my mouth and commenced to eat the rest of my meal in silent awe of those damn eyes.

Despite the discrepancies in my appearance, I was just glad to see some eye candy, because it had been far too long since my visual since had been tittiliated. And while on the cusp of 21, I have no desire to harbor picket fence fantasies with a McDonalds employee, I could easily harbor a few nights of star gazing in his delicious eyes. Well, not there is is anything wrong with working at Mickie D's. There are far worse places, and he could easily be out on someone's corner trying to sell someone something.

But I digress...I know where he works, so perhaps I'll be going back. One day. regardless, his eyes will stay in my concious. They were simply...gorgeous. Damn.

Eric Roberson

2004-12-15T13:36:00.000-08:00

In my years of ingesting music, I have always wondered when I would find the consumate artist: one who reflected my thoughts, my feelings. An artist I could connect with as if they had lifted their words, their melodies, straight from my mind.

I've found him. And his name is Eric Roberson

Listening to his music, I feel this serenity, this completeness that despite all my other favorite artists, I have not felt. If I were a singer/songwriter, this is the music I would create. I am a writer, and if I push myself I could probably churn out a decent song, but what Eric creates is what lies in my soul. The beauty of a true artist, is that there are probably alot of people who feel the way I do. That he has etched our innermost thoughts on record.

I am beyond glad I found him.

*I don't feel like blogging about myself at the moment. Will do so eventually. Highly doubt anyone is waiting with baited breath for my return anyhow :)

Essential Sounds

2004-12-03T01:40:00.000-08:00

I will admit my comatose state on this one...Teedra Moses. That girl is, in a word, lovely. I've played her album from first note to last note every day since I got it this past weekend. For some reason when her album came out, I had no desire to check it out. I'd hear one song, "Be Your Girl" and I liked it, but it still didn't make her CD a must-have. But I am very, very, glad I added ol' girl to my collection. Her voice is very melodious, and her production is top notch. I wish she had more of a presence as far as videos and whatnot, but the girl's got talent...hope to see her around for a bit.

Now, this next artist I came across through my ever vigorous blog whoring. Eric Roberson. I only heard the songs that the blogger linked to his post, but I'm sold. He has a very raw, ethereal quality about him and his songs, and it lured me in completely. He's also written for some of my favorite artists, including a song that I adore, "Hold On" by Dwele. So yes, ladies and gents, I will be getting this when I can find some super glue to mend my shattered budget.

I wonder what I would do without music...don't want to think about it. Music is my sustenance, it revives me after a mental meltdown, gives me wings when I'm feeling like I can fly. Music is simply a necessity.

Off to immerse myself in more of it.

Jazz

BS

2004-11-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

Changed the template...don't really like any of the remaining choices they give you, and I know nothing about HTML. So alas, this is what I chose.

Thanksgiving was just another day. I spent a good majority of it re-twisting my locs and then I sat down and ate far too much, considering yours truly is supposed to be in the midst of a lifestyle change. Then, being the highly melanted person I am, I proceeded to nod off at odd times....when I was holding my nephew...an open bottle of water...can you imagine these scenarios? (No babies were harmed in my bout of niggalepsy *courtesy of bruthacode*....but a brown suede sofa was slightly disturbed by my spilled water. My remedy? A blowdryer lol.)

In then days following Turkey Day, my ensuing lifestyle change was out the window. I incessantly munched on pound cake, and reverted back to my barely taking one drink of water days. Bad...very bad. I've vowed to resume Monday morning. On a good note, Saturday I wore a pair of my sisters jeans and was not uncomfortable in the least. A month or so ago I tried to wear these and dear heavens...I could barely breathe. Now...I'm not reading too much into it. They are still tight fitting...but its a cute fit. When they are too big for me...then I will celebrate.

Basically I'm just bs'ing since I changed the template. I really don't have much to say.

My eyes are heavy. But am I going to sleep? Possibly. Curling up in my fleece Carebear blanket (What? yes...Carebears. They are cute) and listening to Teedra Moses sounds good. Perhaps that will be the plan.

I should tell the story of my Carebear blanket. But not now...maybe tomorrow.

I'm out.

Blah

2004-11-22T01:35:00.000-08:00

Felt like blogging at first, now I don't.

Write tomorrow. Possibly.

Toodles.

Just Some Thoughts

2004-11-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

When you are in the process of changing within yourself, and you seem to be a lull...its very easy for things to break you down, or at least try their best to. I've been fine being single...for the most part. I get lonely alot, but I know in the end, whoever will be in my life will have a better partner, because I will have spent nessecary time learning to love myself.

So tonight, I was on blackplanet checking notes and decided to mosey over to my ex's page. He had a new pic up, a very nice one I grudgingly admit, and I was momentarily taken back to kissing those lips, being in those arms. But then it passed. I started to read, skipping over what was the same, and then I hit new paragraph, in which he thanks a best friend 'Sunshine' for helping him get of a dark cloud in his life. I've never heard of a 'Sunshine' so its safe to assume she is someone new to the picture, which is fine and perfectly acceptable. The only thing that made my heart clench a bit and a small wave of sadness wash over me, was something that may seem small, and in the greater scope of our issues, it is, but it still got to me- this man would not acknowledge a girlfriend on his page when we were together. I wasn't asking for a tear jerking, takes a minute to scroll down the page message, I just wanted him to at least say he wasn't single. And now, this 'Sunshine' is in the picture and is already getting acknowledgments. But you know...typing that out and reading it as I'm going, is letting me know how simplistic it is to waste time and energy being upset over something like that. We are no longer a part of each others lives and pretty much everyday, I'm better for it. So I am just going to tuck this under the file of 'shit I need not concern myself with' and keep steppin'. 'Sunshine', good luck girl...

Moving on...I just finished reading a book called Move Over, Girl by Brian Peterson. I loved it...the characters in that book are one's that I am saddened to see leave, but also that I wish well and will think about in the future. I love books that make you wonder about the characters stories long after you've turned the last page in the book. In a nutshell, the book was told from the perspective of Tony Norris, a college junior, and was a trip through his thoughts on a myriad of issues, but the standout issue is the opposite sex. There is a natural shift in his state of mind and its refreshing to get an inside peek into the thoughts, feelings and actions of young black men. The book came out in 98, so its older, but yet in still, I deem it a must read, especially for the ever amibitous young man who dares to pick up a book.

I also went to see Ray this weekend...yes, I am somewhat late on it. But the important thing was that I loved it. I really forgot it was Jamie Foxx playing the role, until it got toward the end and his eyes were visible. He seemed to lose himself in the role, and thr product is something he should feel immensely proud of. I also loved Kerry Washington's performance as Ray's wife.

Anyway...at around 10 this evening, I was nodding off. Then I said to myself 'I'm going to check email and take my ass to sleep.' Now, lo and behold, its 1:46 am and I am typing a blog entry. I need some self control...lawd.

Goodnight/morning.

Useless Updates

2004-11-12T18:53:00.000-08:00

So, the cousin featured in the random inquiry post is a recent ex jailbird...which basically means NO. My friend said that he is trying to turn his life around and is looking for a nice female to 'hold him down'...yeah, I'm all for positive reformation, but I'll watch from the sidelines, thank you very much. I've done the jail thing once before, when I was about 16...NEVER AGAIN. But, in the vein of being a nice person, keep ya head up brotha...

And then, her boyfriend has this friend that I used to write back and forth with on Blackplanet years ago...read: YEARS AGO...we never met up or anything, and as those BP things tend to, it just fell off. Now...this was before my friend was with her current man. I believe she mentioned my name one day when around her man and this friend, and ever since he has been on this 'When you gonna hook me up with Jazz' kick...I don't know. I don't even remember what dude looks like...I remember him as being nice, but I know I'm not the same person I was four, five years ago, so I would assume he isn't as well. Who knows...I may concede and meet up with him to at least see what he is about now, but it isn't a priority.

Moving on...I had to re-start my locs due to size issues. Hopefully all will be well from here on out...

Nothing else going on...but alas, in my world there never is. What a joy :)

Random Inquiries and Realizations

2004-11-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

Alright....so my friend calls me and tells me her boyfriend wanted to know if I'm seeing anyone. She of course told him no, the glaring obvious truth. I find this question more than a bit random, because she set the call up like this:

Me: Hello?
Her: What are you doing?
Me:Nothing much
Her:I'm not interuppting anything am I? (she never asks this question, and she knows I have no life currently, so it really has no point)
Me:Was about to give the baby a bath...but what's up?
Her:Oh...well yeah, I'm just getting ready to Red Lobster with J. She's on her way to get me

So anyway, as you can see, or maybe you can't, that she was stalling for time. I say maybe you can't because it could just be something I picked up on from knowing her. Anyway, she stated her boyfriend's inquiry a few moments later. The she proceeds to tell me his cousin is in town and he wants him to be able to kick it with someone 'nice'. Nice....I'm wondering if this is a veiled insult of some sort. I am oddly flattered that her boyfriend would think of me for his cousin, but then it dawns on me that his cousin could very well be a Flava Flav look-a-like, in which flattery is nowhere near the top of emotions I would feel.

He called to mention this as she was getting dressed, so she didn't get any information about his cousin, which of course, is essential to the ensuing answer of yes/no. She is supposed to find out some information after she returns home for the evening.

Anyway...I'm kind of in a place right now where I don't even want to kick it with anyone, friend or otherwise. But as a favor, and just to have something to do, I may possibly do it.

I'll let ya know what happens.
*************************************************************************

Staring in the mirror earlier, I realized that I am beautiful. Sounds more than a bit inflated, but it is the truth. My beauty does not resonate with foreboding waves, cueing innocent bystanders into its presence before I am completely in view. It does not bring men to their knees, hopeless and obliterated by what they see. It is simply there, quietly resting, awaiting the day it will be able to float to the surface and show the world what we already know.

That I'm beautiful.

I've been doubting the truth of that lately. I'm currently at the largest I've been, and finding that inner strength to find beauty in my outer appearance as of late, is difficult to do. Especially when I know what I am capable of looking like. I've never been a petite girl, but I've never been this big. With no disrespect to my fellow big girls, because at the present time I walk amongst you. But I don't want to be a cute big girl. I just want to be a cute girl. Woman in more specific terms, but girl fit better.

I'm 5'7", and my height has always been a saving grace against the numeral aspect of my weight. I never look what I weigh, and believe me, I am thankful for this. People never believe the number when for whatever reason they find out. But it's like come on...would I lie and make myself bigger?

I'm not anywhere near the point of 'oh-my-gawd-somebody-help-that-child'. Scale down Ms. Tocarra's chest (from ANTM) by several cup sizes, and take away some of her tone (she's fairly toned to be 'plus sized') and you have me basically, though my hips are more curved...okay, I'm getting off track. Point is, I'm just not happy where I'm at .

I know this is veering from where it began, so let me steer it back. I've realized that I have to believe I am beautiful regardless of what the world, or my desires dictate. True enough, yes I want to get back in shape, and it will happen when its time, when I am truly dedicating myself to it. But in the interim, I can't let myself wallow in the clutches of self-pity, retreating from the world because there is a little more of me to show right now.
**************************************************************************
Alright, that was kinda all over the place, but so are my thoughts...you just gotta deal :)

Off to listen to Destiny's Child, 'Free'.

Bye-Bye

Pondering

2004-11-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

You know...For someone whose career goal is to become a multi-published fiction writer, I don't write much...Or at least as much as I should. I have millions (exaggeration) of partially completed projects, but not quite enough...*snapping...snapping* umph to finish anything, it seems.

I may venture even further to say I am not that great of a writer. I know I have some modicum of talent. I've been told that numerous times, and before anyone ever read anything bearing my work, I knew I was a decent writer. But now I am pondering if its really true. Despite my at times lack of focus toward the craft, writing is my air. I know that if writing ceased to be a part of my life, of my essence, I wouldn't be. The desire to see my dream come to light and fulfill the visions in my mind are what have actually helped anchor me at times, when I felt I was going to drift away into nothingness. So one can imagine what doubting that part of me is like.

Trust is a major portion of any relationship, including the relationship you have with yourself, and your talents. If I don't trust my standing in the craft of writing, then I have nothing. I know that despite all doubts and fears, I will continue on, but I really need to start believing in myself more. If I don't, who will?

**************************************************************************

I got off of the phone about an hour ago with a good friend of mine. Me and this girl, we will always be a part of each other's lives, but with each year we age, just how big a part is debatable.

She was filling me in on the usual info, her boyfriend, people we went to school with, yada, yada, yada, so on and so forth. Now...Her boyfriend has been having problems with some guy in the past few weeks. The problem stems from her boyfriend's ex girlfriend and the mother of his daughter. Boyfriend, during the course of their dysfunctional relationship, answered the phone and this other guy happened to be on the line, asking who boyfriend was and spewing other expletive filled questions and statements. Boyfriend, at his wits end from the drama is not paying much attention to the guy, and a year goes by. They see each other in the mall. The other guy approaches boyfriend. Nothing happens but a terse exchange of words, but boyfriend doesn't feel safe, so he gets a gun from h's brother. Boyfriend's brother also has a problem with a different guy in the 'the other guy's clique. Boyfriend's brother is also more than a tad of his rocker. Boyfriend's brother takes the gun back from boyfriend, for some unknown reason.

To get to the point: the other guy is now dead.

My point of even expelling energy to write about this in my blog, is that this type of mentality is so senseless to me. And the crazy thing, is that my friend is so nonchalant about it. I mean, I understand that we have been killing each other over bullshit for years, but it shouldn't get to the point where my friend is more focused on explaining to me what the guy looked like and how ugly everyone said he was, then the fact that he was killed as a result of some stupid ass no base conflict. My friend kept reiterating that her boyfriend said his problem with the guy wasn't over the ex girl, it was the way he approached him in the mall. And her justification was that her boyfriend didn't kill him, his brother did, and it he hadn't of done it, someone would have gotten to her boyfriend first. But why does it even have to be like that? When did shit like this become cute? I sat on the phone mumbling 'mm hmm's and shaking my head. After awhile, my focus was not even on the conversation, but on the fact that I could not put up with that type of shit. I don't peg myself above anyone else, but damn...I know that I deserve more than to be involved in that scenario, and she should know that too. It just pisses me off...But at the end of the day, she is who she is, and I am who I am. I just feel for that boy's family. But I guess that's life, reality...the ugly side of it. Fucked up in the truest sense of the phrase.

Free

2004-11-08T02:18:00.000-08:00

Damn Destiny's Child for having a chorus that embodies my whole train of thought and the new guide I'm trying to have for my life. Ain't no feeling like being FREE! I don't know how many times I have played this song since I heard it, but wow...I am there. My mind's made up and my heart is in the right place.

I was thinking about who I am earlier this afternoon, or more specifically, who I am on my way to becoming. It's amazing to think that just a few years ago, I was this shell...an empty, embittered and equally elusive shell. I couldn't reach myself...the things I did...situations I put myself in. The difference in the Jazz of then to now is enough to make me want to cry sometimes. I am still young by societal standards, but my life has not been that of an average young person. I am slowly learning to take that adversity and use it as fuel for my future.

So going back to thinking about who I am evolving into, I began to think about the perceptions of the people around me. For so many years of my life I have existed to others ideal, and still never measured up. I didn't know who I was, and still in some ways don't, so how can anyone else say they truly know me? Anything a person thinks they knows, is based off of what I have let them see. And in most cases, it isn't much. I'm sure people think I am going through some phase or something of the like, but what is occuring is a process of self-evaluation, and I am uncovering a spirit of self I never knew existed. There are things about me I'd love to improve upon, and that is all a part of the evaluation. I'm learning that I am what I am...I can take that as it is and be the best person I feel I can be, or I can spend my life trying to be something I'm not.

This song has just evoked so much feeling in me...which is funny to me, being that it is a Destiny's Child song. But I have a feeling I heard this song when I needed to. FREE...I'm almost there...steady climbing, searching...one day I will say that I am free and it will be a statement that is so wholly true and full of value that the simple statement will conjure a smile so deep and wide, if you're standing in the direct path you may get lost inside of it (long live run-on sentences!)

Ya'll have to excuse me...I've said it before and i'll say it again...I'm a work in progress. A complicated sort...peculiar...I'm enjoying the process of figuring myself out though. It's something I couldn't have said even a year ago. Ain't no feeling like being FREE! ...I'm almost there.

Damn I love this song...

Au revoir.

Known Strangers

2004-11-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my niece X's 4th birthday. X is the second child of my older brother's and I don't know her at all. Sad, isn't it? My brother, 24, whose other child is a ten year old son, has been in and out of correctional facililties since he was a few years older then his son is now. When he was 14, we learned he was going to be a father. Well, add his juvenile delinquent tendecies, the fact that my mother couldn't worry about a grandchild as needed because she was barely taking care of us...and you have a recipe for a child born without knowing its father's family. When we finally saw the child, he was probably around six months.

In the coming years, we had minimal contact with the child, all of it occuring on the rare occasion my brother was home. Forward to now, where my nephew's location is foreign to me (I believe my brother knows, but he is back up the creek...and it goes to show how effective our familial connection is...I think about it to myself, but haven't thought to ask him).

So...four years ago, this beautiful brown baby girl entered his life. My sister and my niece's mother are a bit more effective in keeping contact, but barely. Which brings me to today. We took X's gift over, along with my sister's two daughters, who were going to stay the night. Now, we usually correspond on the child's bday, or on the previously mentioned, rare occasion my brother is home. Last time we saw her was in September, when my brother was home all of three weeks before he migrated back. Anyway...so my sister and I go over to her mother's house last night and X is soooooo in her element. When she came over with her father and mother in September, she was a timid child, giving a one sided smile and equally appropriated answer to any question asked. Tonight was our first time seeing her at home, in the environment she is used to. Lawd....that girl is something else. Made me smile, for with her quick remarks and amusingly cutting tone, she is surely my brother's child. But that brings me back to my earlier comment...I don't know her at all. I smile at her, swish her beads when she passes me, and stare in awe at how there is this living, breathing being across town, with my mother's face and my brother's blood flowing through her veins, and I have no clue as to what her daily life consists of. Her mother is a friendly woman, who, depsite her seemingly foolish devotion to my brother, seems to emit survial instinct. Her size compared to my brother always amuses and intrigues me at once. She appears to be around 5'8" or "9 and on the bigger end of the spectrum, easily a size 24 or slightly higher, where as my brother is 5'6", or my height, 5' 7 at most. He is an extremely muscular man, which is easily attributed to his Correctional stints. Their home is well kept, and I can see my niece is well taken care of. There are pictures of my brother, a drawing of the three as a family, and I am again awe struck. He belongs to these two people...this tall and laugh out loud funny woman, and this mini version of my mother, which in turn means she also looks a lot like me.

Of course, being children, my niece's all take to each other as if they have been playmates for their entire lifespan. My sister converses with X's mother and grandmother, and a few friends who happen to be over. One of which is giving X's mother a perm, and I am eternally grateful I will NEVER go through that again. I sit and observe, thinking too much as usual, about how it is really a dire shame the condition my family is in. I smile and ask X when she is going to come stay the night with me. She gives a full smile, which is noticeable compared to one sided ones given in our home and says 'I'll have to ask my mommy first'. I ask her if she remembers my name, and she says 'nope.' That sends a stab of pain coursing to my heart, but I smile it away and tell her again. I will attribute part of her non-rememberence to the fact that I was wearing a hat, because we left in the middle of a twisting session on my locs. But most of it is simply, the matter at hand...that I don't know this child. I honestly hope to change that in the future, as well as reach out to my nephew. I am beyond close to my sisters children, mainly because I have lived with my sister since I was 11, with the exception of a few months that equal a year, scattered over the 18-20 portion of my life. If they act up, I know what to do. If they are sad, I know how to comfort them. But with X, I don't feel comfortable saying anything to her when she acts up. If she was sad, I'd make an attempt of course, but who knows if I was helping or making the situation worse?

Thinking about my niece and my brother tosses my thoughts toward my father, and how I know none of his family. People say this all the time, but I could easily have dated one of my cousins, or have sat next to one on a bus. Waited on one at my various jobs in the pass. It's amazing and saddening to me. One day, hopefully someday soon, I will contact my father and demand some information about my family. Even if they desire to have nothing to do with me, I will have made the effort. And my quest is not to become buddy-buddy with them anyway. I just want to know who they are, because whether my father likes it or not, I come from his people. His flesh, his blood. And I am going to start taking the time to go get my niece, so that she will not have my same questions in the future, at least about her aunt Jazz, in the future.

*attribute any errors to late night/early morning typing, and the effects of vodka and ruby red grapefruit :) *

A Poem

2004-11-04T02:44:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here thinking about a few different things, when these words came to me. Since Word was already open, I typed them out and as my poetry will sometimes do, it may not make sense. But when things come to me like that, I don't do any altering to them, at least not right off the bat. The poem is about my mindset about love right now.

Here goes:

The Wait For Someday and Other Dalliances

I wait
In shadows that stir momentarily
With cautious force and curiosity
Inquiries float above garbled brain mass
Jockeying for position
Of importance
And sheer necessity
I’m waiting
For what sometimes
I do not know
Perhaps a word
Four letters strong
Or weak
Lifting me
With complex strength
And impenetrable feeling
To a cloud resting
On an upturned six
I wait
In a stupor
Induced by grandiose wanting
And fairytale –like endings
Juxtapose to reality
And slashes bore from
Trips down
Memory lane and
Other bullshit
I wait
But I’m not certain
What it is
I’m waiting for
Exists
But if it does
Can it rest its head
Near the core of permanence
Instead the bosom of temporary?
Because I simply
Have garnered a low tolerance
For second rate affairs of the heart
And am not easily amused by well placed words
And sensual smiles
I wait
And it’s sometimes lonely here
Perched on this platform
Of mending and re-wiring
Amid the stirring shadows
But alas
It is
Home
For now
So I will stand here
And graze my fingertips
Against an indigo sky
Letting raindrops
Caress the trail from my eyes
Down to the earth
Or maybe
I will simply do nothing
But wait
For someday.

J. Hall

2004-10-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hm...nothing to see here. Trying to post something, didn't work. Dang it.

Dedicated To The Dream

2004-10-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't been dedicated to much in my life. By my own admission, I can be seen as wishy-washy. My mind changes like seasons, and trying to get me to pinpoint myself to an exact decision is difficult. But the one thing I have been dedicated to from the moment the seed planted itself in my mind and began sprouting, is my writing. Now...I have wanted to be a writer with full on intensity since about age fourteen. I say that because, before fourteen, I always revered writers, loved the written word, the way a single person could use their imagination and creativity to take you, a stranger, into whatever world they wanted to. I thrived off of reading, it was sustenance for me. Especially being the quiet child I was. But I digress. From about age eight until fourteen, I wanted to be a Pediatrician. One year as a child, around seven, I recieved this black toy medical bag, with the shiny faux leather and a white circle surrounding a red cross on each side of the bag. Inside was a stethoscope, a thermometer, some fake bandages and a few other things. Anyway, I used to use my dolls as patients, and one day I found out the name of a children's Doctor was: a Pediatrician. So from then on, I would tell anyone who asked, and even those who didn't, that I was going to be a Pediatrician. I loved the way adults would smile at me when I'd spout that as my goal.

So the years go on, and eventually I enroll at a Health oriented High School. It was actually split down the middle, with half of the student body being Health Majors (HOSA), and the other half being technical majors (VICA). I stepped into my freshman year still under the guise of becoming a doctor one day. I realized, even before high school that becoming a doctor entailed a lot of schooling, and I was never one for school outside of English. But the response I'd get when I said that was my career choice kept me wanting to go that route. Anyway, to make a long story short, I realized that medicine didn't thrill me. It didn't keep me up all hours of the night thinking and planning, wasn't a part of me. Writing did. Creating characters, following and translating the voices in my mind. Going to the school I went to, we were constantly volunteering, shadowing doctors, getting tours, going on ambulance rides, all sorts of things. Even today I don't regret going there because some of my fondest memories of my life took place in relation to that program.

When I started my first storyline, I was playing around. I still didn't know what it took to be a writer and for that matter, especially didn't know if I had it. The story was about a guy and a girl who were close friends as children up to middle school, but lost contact with each other when the guy's family had to move. They meet back up at the same college and they try to fall back into a friendship, but find it hard because of their attraction to each other. Started that at fourteen, but I never finished it. I moved around alot and most of it got lost (I wrote everything out back then). But I came across some of it when I was looking in some boxes left at a family friend's house, and I smiled. Anyway...so yes, from then until about eighteen I would play around with different ideas, and whatnot, but I hadn't submitted anything anywhere. Still wasn't sure if I could do it, even though I lived for it. But from eighteen on to now, I've been submitting to anthologies, getting involved in writing groups, working on my many novel ideas, started a website. People say 'oh dang, you still trying to write?' or 'you haven't finished a book yet?' or my personal favorite 'you don't get paid for that?'. If a person is dedicated to their craft, whatever it may be, they will do what it takes to get there. If I have the opportunity to take place in an anthology but not get paid for it, I'm going to do it because its not about the money, its about getting my name out there. I'm not saying eventually I don't want to support myself from my writing, because I definititely do, but you can't expect to start out at the top. If you're a singer and you want to sing, you will do so whenever an oppotunity strikes, paid or not. It won't matter if the crowd is ten people or a thousand people, you'll sing because the point is being known. People don't seem to get that its the same way with writing. As long as my work is being read by someone and my name is attached to it, in the end that's going to get me where I need to be. If I sat around and didn't submit, didn't do anything unless it has a dollar sign attached, I'd never get anywhere.

This post jumps all over the board, as mine tend to do, but the gist is that I am dedicated to becoming a writer. No, I am a writer, because as long as I am writing, that is what I am. But I'm dedicated to becoming a known multi-published author. My fiction isn't intended to save the world or to preach. I write to fulfill my desire and in the process, if so be it, entertain a few people. There are many different things that I write about, themes I explore, but in no way am I the next Toni Morrison and I have no desire to be. When I make it, some may love my work, some may hate it, but that's the beauty in opinion. Regardless, I'm dedicated to my dream, and when it comes true, that's the way I'll remain. Dedicated.

Possibly Offensive... But... Definitely Funny (at least to moi)

2004-10-26T01:40:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: The following IM conversation is not meant to offend anyone. If you, a loved one, friend, associate, or enemy are going through the discussed situation, please do not take this seriously. My friend and I are two seriously demented individuals, and we admittedly find humor in sometimes inappropriate content. But alas, that is how we are. Love it or hate it, like it or leave it.

Now a little background on the convo lol. I asked my friend the question because I was just wondering what she would do, and as a writer, my mind is always on potential plots. Our serious answers are in the text of the convo, but as we always do, we got sidetracked.

In reference to the use of the word 'soror', I'd like to say, my friend and I are not in any way affiliated with any greek organizations. We just use the term in the sisterly aspect of the word.

Now...on with the regularly scheduled blog.

luvliest_jazz19: would you break up with a person if soon after begininning to date them u found out they had a terminal illness, to save yourself some grief of being involved in their life? or would you ride it out with them?
T : Depends on how much I like them
T : I wouldn't want to get too involved cuz I may be feeling casual about dating the person and things could get serious, what with him dying
T : But then I would explain that to him and see how he felt about the situation.
T : He might tell me I am inflated, making a big deal out of something that isn't serious. Which would make it ok to keep dating him.
T: I imagine, though, if he and I were dating, and we were close, I wouldn't break up . . unless I knew he was developing deep feelings that I know I am not developing . . but either way I would not abandon him.
T : So to answer your question, if it is the beginning, and we were being exploratory, I would have to see where his head was before I decided where mine is. . . if I like him enough.
luvliest_jazz19: yeah....i would want to help make his last months, years whatever they are special...i mean i wouldnt be doing a make a wish foundation act every day, but id try to be there the way i would if he wasnt dying...and when he was gone, id take those memories and id move on...and i dont think id be too depressed because id know he died without having the added ache of having been broken up with
T : Now if I only kinda like him . .I would probably break up . . not dealing with drama from a man i don't really like.
luvliest_jazz19: yeah, true lol...cause i may be glad...good riddance!
luvliest_jazz19: nah...thats wrong
T : lol
T : LOL
T : Baby I got cancer
T : Um yeah . . .well . .listen, good luck with that but I don't really like you so I'm out!
luvliest_jazz19: "mh hm...thats nice...can you pass the salt?'
luvliest_jazz19: 'thats nice?!'
T : LOL
T : Baby, did you hear me?
T : Um yeah, you eatin allla dem fries?
luvliest_jazz19: "well....*insert confused face* what do yiou want me to say? to be honest, this is actually great, because i started looking for a new place yesterday'
luvliest_jazz19: that would be sooooooooo wrong
luvliest_jazz19: lol
T : yes it would!
T : In all honesty, if I were dating someone, I would have to really like him so I probably wouldn't leave.
T: I mean, this is me we are talking about.
luvliest_jazz19: "this is sparing me from having to make up some plausible reason why i dont want to be with you, when truth is, i just dont like you very much. but ill take cancer over that explanation any day. so thanks...now eat up! food's getting cold'
T : I don't even have casual conversations . . .so I assume I would like him enough to stick it out . . as long as he ain't askin about marriage
T : And LOL!
luvliest_jazz19: lol
luvliest_jazz19: i can just see a woman chowing down on a breadstick, just saying all that and the man looking all sad and depleted
T : Baby, Doctor says my kidneys are kaput
luvliest_jazz19: she buttering bread and shit, sippin wine
T : Yeah, so are you gonna order dessert? Cuz I'm hungry like a mugg!
T : Can i get summa dem skrimps to go?
T : Will I be there for you? Is you crazy nigga? You musta fell and bumped your head.
T: Well, I do have brain cancer.
T : Well, see? That's your problem! You can't think straight.
luvliest_jazz19: LOL
T : Now, is we gonna fuck tonight or what.
T : Well . .um . ..sure.
T : Then I guess you ain't that sick, is you?
luvliest_jazz19: 'you never know...that might make ya orgasm more intense....u might be on to something with this brain cancer thing'
T : LOL
luvliest_jazz19: *insert hysterical laughter smiley*
luvliest_jazz19: we are SICK soror
luvliest_jazz19: certifiably certifiable
T : Listen, I know you got cancer, but does your dick have cancer?
T : Cuz Imma ride it like a bronco bull and I don't want it to break off
T: Pass me the ketchup!
T : Will you be there for my chemotherpy?
T : Will you be there for my aromatherapy? I needs some new candles and incense.
luvliest_jazz19: okay, you met a month ago, this is your sceond date...' ohhhh....hm. Cancer you say? Well, its glad you let me know that *woman starts rifling through her purse, pulls out a pen and a sticky note*
luvliest_jazz19: man says 'what are you doing?'
luvliest_jazz19: *woman scribbles*
luvliest_jazz19: 'i'm marking you defective baby. damaged goods'
luvliest_jazz19: *woman sticks note on his forehead, gulps down last of her drink and leaves'

Man....I laughed sooo hard. I'm not a mean person, really I'm not. Neither is she. But we are not good influences on each other. You see what can happen when were together...insanity, pure and simple :)

Shake & Bake Stars

2004-10-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

We all remember shake & bake right? LOL...if you don't well...it's not worth remembering anyway, but it was out years ago...you put the meat in the little shake bag and shake shake shake...and voila, shake & bake chicken, shake & bake pork chops...shake & bake whateva. So I was thinking this morning after reading online about Ashlee Simpsons lip synching mishap, and I'm like man...it's getting out of control. Britney...Ashanti...Hillary Duff...Lindsay Lohan...Anyone can be a star these days. The market is being flooded with talentess singing sensations...isn't that an oxymoron? How can you be a major success, but have about as much talent as an out of work member of a traveling circus?

Your recipe for a superstar:

1 moderate to gorgeous female, preferably in shape
2 cups trendy fashion
1 teaspoon talent; can be anything...blowing bubbles, crossing eyes, lip synching
1/2 cup easily memorable singalong lyrics

Mix fashion, talent and lyrics with female until well blended. Coat with studio tricks and enhancement as needed.

For an extra special recipe, pluck female from anything disney related. Overexpose female for juicy results. Give the package a nice shake, pour it into the industry and voila...a certified superstar.

Additional options/garnishments:
Celebrity sibling
Large, preferably male entourage

I don't spend my money on them, so it shouldn't matter...right? But when artists I do support, artists with actual *gasp* talent can't even break into the stream next to mainstream, and every day I'm hearing/seeing these studio packages, it's like arghhhhh.....but alas, there will be another s&b star out shortly...it's like there is a manufacturing plant somewhere. I suppose as long as I have my aresenal of what I consider music, I'll be fine. But dammit if I don't want to kidnap all these products and cast them away to a desert island. The maybe I could see the Fabulous Life of India Arie on VH1, and even though it may not be as fahhhbulus as some, it would be cool to see because it would be real. But real is not a reality anymore. Even reality TV isn't real. Real is just a memory and a forlorn hope of the future, at least for me. *shrugs* maybe no one else misses real. Maybe they'd all rather see how high they can count by counting Ashanti's obsessive compulsive and repulsive use of the word 'baby'.

Sucks, but I guess now that's what's considered real.

Post Numero Two-O for the day

2004-10-23T03:39:00.000-07:00

It's a celebration, bitches...I'm posting twice in one day. Haf Mercy and oh my damn! And yes, I know that two in spanish is dos :)

If you are not a fellow Chapellian, then you may have taken offense to the casual usage of 'bitches'...but fear not, cyberworld. It's all in good depraved fun...the best kind!

Anyway...on to the point of this second post. I'm a blog whore...I am promiscious. I admit it...I hit links on other peoples blogs and before I know it I am stalking yet another blog...so anyway, I copied this from this blog I came across tonight...today...whateva.

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions (Such is life...)
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping (But I'm rarely sleep...go figure?)
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana (Once...made my reactions to things really, really slow lol...didn't care for it much)
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin (No, but not enough to complain about)
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton (Eh...sure)
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year (Blinking lights...)
17. I have hobbies
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. (Just had to hit a sore spot didn't ya?)
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart (Depends on the subject matter)
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now (Hm, if I could put some blinking lights around that I would)
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast (Minus one of those really's)
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis (Don't ewww me...I don't have a need to really. It's very light and thin...too much info huh?)
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past (I'm a natural sistah now, but I will still get extensions (braids) from time to time)
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. (ONLY to avoid calls from certain entities collecting funds due)
38. I like the way that I look (Minus a few pounds...)
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow (Learning...don't laugh)
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings (They're never vocalized though)
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past (Not recently though...if that redeems me at all *innocent smile*)
46. I have a hidden talent (I'm going to bold this because though some folks know about my talent as a fiction writer, many don't...so techinally its still hidden)
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular (Used to care...now I don't)
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone (Refer to the other post for today)
52. I practically live in sweatpants (Currently...unfortunately)
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Diaryland Blogger. (If I were more interesting, perhaps I would be obsessed.)
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. (Hate is a wasted emotion...but strong, virile, disgust...I'm there)
59. I'm a pretty good dancer (If I'm tispy)
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother (Not gonna go there...rather complicated)
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God (Something like that...)
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis (At least its better then BET)
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama (Reading about it and writing about it...living it, NO)
67. I have never been in a real relationship before (Looking back and carefully reflecting, I have to bold this)
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone (I'm going to bold this, even though its sketchy...I have a few online crushes...did I just admit to that?)
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before (Too damn many and I have no kids...*smh*)
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything (though as a child I said I was allergic to celery to get out of having to eat it)
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger (Define dated...lol. But yes, older)
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie (Saw Friday After Next already...and I hope that is the last installment)
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party (No drugs over here...but yes, I am a connesieur(could be spelled wrong lol)... of certain beverages)
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online (Which is damn stupid considering I'm an aspiring writer...but IM'ing is a great deterrent when I'm blocked)
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum (Called it 'house' though)
88. I enjoy country music (Only a select few of Bonnie Raitt's songs)
89. I would die for my best friends (this is remaining un-highlighted because I don't feel as though I have a 'best' friend in every sense of the word right now)
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can (Passions for comedic purposes, The Young and The Restless for actual viewing pleasure)
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy (Yep.)
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it (not religiously or anything...but it is amusing)
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment (As opposed to this time last year, a resounding YES)

As everyone can see, I kinda did my own thing throughout...bolded items and put an explanation lol. That was cool...now adios for real.

Don't Call Me...I'll Be Drunk (Phone/Aging Ramblings)

2004-10-23T01:59:00.000-07:00

No, I can't Hear You Now

I'm not a phone person anymore. In being honest, I never really was. But I tolerated its existence. I'd get a sore neck from eventually getting lazy and concocting odd positions to hold the phone in while whoever was on the other end rambled on aimlessly. I'd deal with the breath exchange conversations, where the convo consists of varying speeds and depths of inhalations and exhalations. And sometimes, on a rare occurence, I'd talk. Really allow the connections in my brain to send sound through my mouth and into the phone, to the awaiting ears of whoever. But now, things have changed. I can't put my finger on it, can't pinpoint the exact time, but what I can pinpoint is that I am no longer said phone person.

The phone, in fact, has become one of the greatest sources on aggravation for me. Whenever I do concede and partake of a phone call, within minutes my attention is waning and is soon on anything other then phone call. Wait, let me clarify...business related calls, fine. I just loathe personal calls now. Okay...as I was saying. Most days, I long to yank the phone out of the wall and heave it out the window. I will not make light of the fact that a fraction of my disgust for this invention stems from the fact that I can count on one hand the number of people who call me, and I do not need all five fingers. I don't dislike my microscopic spectrum of callers, but when the phone continues to ring all day, every damn day, and you know the person on the other end is not calling for you, matter of fact not even calling for a purpose, and your brother in law, who racks in most of the calls from his pseudo celebrity status in his family, is only going to shake his head and say 'I'm not here', you really get the urge to say fugg it...I'm not answering that damn thing anymore.

I went through the cellular captivitity phase, where I had to have my phone. Talked my way into debt, and oh my goodness-my phones off???? NOOOOOO....must....gather...cash....must...pay...bill. And then I moved out of town, couldn't afford to keep it on and went through withdrawal. Then I moved back to where I'd moved from and had no money to get it back on. And I didn't care. Talk about freedom.

But phones will continue to exist, much to my chargrin. Maybe I will garner an aresenal of earplugs. Maybe I simply won't answer anymore. Or perhaps I will pull the phone out of the wall, as I wish to oh so vividly in my dreams. Maybe.

*************************************************************************

Damn...I'm Really Getting Old...er

Have you reached that point? Sure, I'm only a few months shy of 2-1, but I have had this thought last week. I was cleaning the kitchen up, after my bro in law and my nieces finished tearing through some KFC. My bro in law was fiddling around the kitchen, I'm paying him no mind, sweeping to the erratic rhthym of my thoughts. And all of a sudden he taps me.
"Here." He holds out a glass of brown liquid, and I take it, sniffing it first because that it just the type of weirdo I am. It smells faintly of Brandy. Potent enough for a semi decent buzz. He smiles and leaves the kitchen, off to sip his drink until it is time to pick my sister up from work.
Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with the title of the post. Though I've been drinking for an undisclosed amount of time (trust me, you don't wanna know what age), It's still strange for me to openly drink around my family. In fact, I really don't. I will have the might-as-well be koolaid drinks (Smirnoff Ice, Mike's Hard Lemonade, etc), and ocassaionally I will have something a bit stronger. But on that occurence, it is usually after I have hung around the 'bar', or table/countertop holding the drinks trying not to look too obvious in my wanting of a drink, that I will break down and have one. But for me bro in law to just include me in his early evening partaking...it signals that damn...I'm really aging. May not have been a profound moment to some, but that's the beauty of being me...I'm not some. That sounded dumb...lol...whatever.

I think I may become a functional drunk for awhile after turning 21. I am already a functional drunk, but since I don't have access to drink everyday, it is of no baring. But once I can buy it...oh lordy. I'm going to sip, as proposterous as it sounds, probably every damn day until the lore of 21 wears off. Oh happy day :)

Adios Amigos (don't mind me...I suffer from chronic corny-ness)

Truth Is...

2004-10-20T03:14:00.000-07:00

Truth Is is a lovely song by one Ms. Fantasia Barrino...I like it alot. Looking forward to her album.

Anyway, onward to the real truth. See...come closer, let me talk to you for a minute....not that close...back up a bit...there we go. Now...truth is...I'm not a boring blogger. Really, I'm not.You don't believe me? Geez...that sucks. Guess the proof is in the pudding huh? You see, it's just that right now my life is one continuous, monochromatic, blurb of day to day activities. I don't dislike my life at this point...its actually going rather well. It's just there is no spontaneity *that looks wrong but I'm going to run with it, seeing how it's 3am and all* to my days. So, while reading over my blog today, I came to the earth shattering conclusion that I am not a boring blogger, despite my boring blog. I just don't have a variance of activities to titillate my adoring public with (I said adoring...work with me people, work with me. Humor me, for goodness sakes)

One day I will have so much going on, you blog readers will long for the dismal posts and inconsequential ramblings of now. And they will be nowhere in sight, because I will be a very busy best selling author/proprietor of a very succesful literary lounge eatery kinda place in a as yet undetermined location/mentor to young writers. My life will be sooooooo fulfilling, you will wish the very words on your screen could bounce to life, scramble off into the real world and filter into your meaningless existence *insert evil cackling*...ok. So maybe I ventured a little deep into depravity right there, excuse me. But my point is, one day, and one day soon, mark my words I will, have something worthwile to entertain you folks. But until then, bare with me people...I'm a work in progress.

Until next time...

Good Music and French Vanilla Golden Puffs

2004-10-17T01:20:00.000-07:00

I bought this CD by this lovely talent named Aya earlier. I came across her name a week ago on the nappturality music room forum, and then hunted down a site and listened to some samples. I liked what I heard, so I went and got it today. She's mellow...with soul and electronica influences....me likes. So I'm listening to that as I munch on an experimental bowl of Golden Puffs with French Vanilla ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, golden puffs are the knock off of golden crisps, but its all the same to me lol. I was snacky (wanting a snack) couldn't decide between a bowl of cereal or a bowl of ice cream. Eureka! LOL....wow, i'm a geek. Anyway, this is pretty tasty dish...this shall become a favorite.

I sat down with my nieces and nephew tonight to watch 13 Going On 30....my nephew is 3 months, so obviously it didnt phase him one bit lol. But it was nice to chill with my girls...they work my nerves like no other little people can, but they have their moments, those rare blocks of time where I just adore the heck out of them. We curled up on the sofa, got a big blanket and laughed...awwww. So delightfully cheesy :)

I'm going to write tonight...even if its only a page. And I ain't staying up all night either...not by choice, but because I'm getting up to go run some errands with my sister and I get to do some driving...very late on the driving thing, but I'm not the only one I know, so it doesn't phase me.

Alrighty...

This girl's voice is lovely. Aya, Strange Flower...shameless plug.

Buh Bye :)

Why Am I Awake????

2004-10-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

I ask myself this question frequently. It's not as though I don't like to sleep...I just don't like having to go to sleep. I'm a night-owl, pure and simple. Even after I turn this computer off, I will read, listen to music and probably not be asleep until the sun is stretching and breathing down on my neck through my window (ok yeah that was an unessacarily long, but poetic way of saying the suns out...so sue me). I can't wait until I am in my own places ( a time as yet undetermined....no time in the immediate future though), so I can sleep when I want to. The other inhabitants of this household work, go to school, and then there is me, the aspiring writer by her definintion, unemployed by skeptics definition, who has no reason, outside of sheer normalcy, to go to bed at a decent hour. And if I'm honest, I've always despised bed times. All throughout my mandatory school years, I never went when I was supposed to. Elementary school, stayed up staring at the ceiling, trying to see my dreams beyond it. Middle school, stayed up reading, dreaming while awake. High school, stayed up on the phone with some oh so unimportant member of the opposite sex (I can say that now, years later...at the time that phone call was IT) alternately talking, nodding off, and waking up to say 'you say something?'. College (don't say a DAMN thing...I was there for a semester, so no matter how brief the stint, it was college. Now...as I was saying) College, life was so helter skelter at that point, I stayed up just trying to think of ways to continue to exist. Take that how you want to. I didn't see a point in sleeping, because when I awoke the problems would still be there...might as well stay awake and think of solutions. And now....I'm not staring at the ceiling, trying to see my dreams beyond it, not reading, dreaming while awake or on the phone with some dude. I'm just awake...and blogging. And listening to Jon B (In stores now....yeah I plugged him already but so what), chewing Winterfresh that should probably be spat out, and realizing i'm blogging at 4:22 am.

Now, what I should have been doing is writing...damn. I'm so bad sometimes. No, lazy is more like it. Unfortunately.

I'll be legally unsober in three months...me can't wait. I'm going to love 21 for the simple fact is 21...yes, everyone feels that way, but so what. No, what I really can't wait for is 25...I know my life should be in a much more synchronized pattern by 25. Right now things are a bit messy, not in a bad way, just in a I Wish I Was There Already way. But i'll deal.

CD is over....should I go for repeat or take my ass to sleep? Hmmm....

Bye Bye folks.

~The Natural Haired Insomniac Writer~

Insert Fitting Title

2004-10-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

Has the sight of a person ever simply annoyed you? Not for anything they were doing at that particular moment, but their basic existence? I swear, its the most annoying thing...its like you don't want to wish that person any harm, but damn if seeing them doesnt make you wanna yell DAMN GO AWAYYYY lol...It's even worse when its a person you were once close to. I guess thats just the process of aging for you...you have to lose some people. I don't feel like I'm above anyone, and I never have...but there are some things I just simply don't have patience/tolerance for anymore. And also, the personality traits I could look over when I was a child, I can't look over now. I'm like 'damn, how were we ever close?' I will always love this person like another sister, but I don't have to like her and I'm afraid I don't. It feels good to be able to shed layers of life as I get older, toxic people, extra stress. My life, my thoughts, my goals, my dreams are stressful enough. True, life is not made to be simple, but I don't need to surround myself with people who are only trying to bring themselves down. Not for the same reasons, but I was once a person trying to bring myself down, and almost succeeded...came damn close to it. But I'm not there anymore and I have no desire to be there ever again. Mine was a more mental/painful thought process, but the point is I'm trying to maintain my happiness now. This isnt directly related to the other situation, but I'm at a stage in my life where I don't care what rayray and booniqua did last week and what new shoes shaqwandra got from her baby daddy...I was never into any of that personally. Meaning I've never been an in person if one exists. But I'd hear about the lives of the in people. From an outside looking in viewpoint, I found the gossip to be of interest. But now I just....don't care. I'm almost 21, trying to set some fire under my career path, and that is my focus right now. This post is all over the baord, its not specifically about any one person, but the general fact is that my patience is thinning. I cannot wait until i'm at a point in my life where i can comfortably live my life and not have to worry about seeing and hearing things i dont want to hear.

I doubt any of that made sense as a whole...but oh well.

I've recently come across a storyline I created last year and forgot about (goes to show how many I have) I read back over it and now i'm all back into the story. But too bad...I already have my hands full with a couple I'm working on right now. It will get finished one day, as will everything else in due time.

I remember one of my very early posts, titled Mission Impossible: Becoming a Size 10. Not only have I not become a 10, I haven't even stuck with the eat less/exercise thingamajig I was on for about a month this summer. I'm really frustrated with myself. At this point its kinda like i'm watching myself continue to eat and continue to not do shit about it, and internally i'm screaming noooooooo but externally its a different story. I'm going to do something within the next month though, seriously. I cannot, will not celebrate 21 at this size. Okay, well i'll do something cause you only turn 21 once. I think a better punishment/motivation is not allowing myself to take any bday pics. For my bday's the past few years i've been taking pictures...usually cheap mall ones, but pics nonetheless. This year I want to spend some actual money and get some nice photos done...but only if I make progress with my weightloss. There we go...that's a good punishment. Cause I really want some nice photos of myself as a natural chick :)

This is a poem I wrote last year, around this time I believe. Last year at this time I was mucho unhappy...confused, weary, you name it, I was feeling it. This was my yearning in this poem to be happy, and now I'm kinda starting to see the landscape of the poem leap off the page and come into fruition.

In Search Of...

In a time of woes
Deep as any ocean
Colorful as any rainbow
I feel the need to let my soul purge
To free myself of immense insecurities
And reveal what has been hiding for so long
There is a yearning
Deep within myself
To cultivate my dreams
Luxuriate in the possibilities
Wrap myself in the splendor of true happiness
And kiss the tip of each cloud
As I dance past on my way to number nine
In a time of dire confusion
I search for a clue
To lead me into the unchartered waters
Of this five letter word bliss
My interest is piqued
And if look closely enough
I can see the imprints of joy
My comfort is in the winds of the world
And it is now dawning
That the way to reach it is to take upon
The fears I have let lead me
And walk with my head high
Traveling the road to peace
On a journey that is for me alone
I have realized that I am
In search of...

Me.

© J. Hall

Well cyberfolks...I'm off to dreamland. Don't miss me too much.

Mamba Mumblings

2004-10-09T03:35:00.000-07:00

Now for a somewhat actual entry...

Greetings and salutations cyber friends...at this moment i'm listening to Jon B's Stronger Everyday album (now in stores...shameless plug for my boy...he doesn't get the acknowledgement he deserves), munching on mambas candy and chit chattin with my fellow nocturnal deviant from Jersey. She's the only person who will stay up with me lol.

Lately, I've just been doing some writing, not as much as I would like but its getting there. For awhile I was in a major slump and couldn't write at all it seemed....but I'm slowly making a recovery. Still juggling too many projects, and may have a major project for someone else coming up, so Jazz has gots ta get busy! (Yes I just referred to myself in third person)

Let's see, what else...I'm getting closer to locking my hair people. It's just something I want to do. I'm not doing it for any reason other than I want the experience. I plan on making a lot of changes within myself in the next few years, and I want to evolve with my hair. Locking is an endeavor of the mind. It's a tedious, but highly interesting process, at least to me. Now that i've been natural a moment, and have dealt with the shock of short hair, I know it will be nothing for me to cut my locks off if I ever decide to. And even if I did, I know I'd get them again sometime. So anyway, i'll let ya'll know when I start them.

As you can see, this is a bullshit entry, nothing relevant going on...is there EVER??? If you answered no, you get a cookie. Well, no you don't...but whatever.

I love this Jon B CD....next to get is Raphael Saadiq. They came out on the same day, but I had to display a little favortism...pockets are not running especially deep these days.

I'm almost out of mambas...damn. That sucks.

Alrighty folks...I'm outta here.

~The Natural Haired Insomniac Writer~

Dammit

2004-10-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

I can't post pics....grrrrrrrr LOL. Damn technology...it sucks.

Hmm...well...er...uh...

2004-09-27T02:40:00.000-07:00

Nothing on my mind....no joke. You can see tumbleweeds whisking by, thats how empty my thoughts are right now. This is actually a welcome reprieve because I am usually on constant thinking status. So I will enjoy the nothingness while it is here.

Toodles :)

Officially Missing You

2004-09-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hey folks... okay, so no one is officially missing me, but I like that song lol.

When I came back from my labor day weekend trip I wasn't feeling inspired to write about the weekend. Then some drama played out concerning my blog, so I really wasn't feeling an entry at the time. But now i'm back...break out the bubbly babay... :)

Let's see, let's start with this weekend and backtrack. Nothing too particular. My sister dyed my hair yet another unsuccessful color....few weeks ago I was going for a golden brown kinda color, then when that didn't come out right, I decided i'll try a reddish color...it turned out a pretty color I suppose, but its only visible in the sun. I guess i'm destined to have dark hair unless I am ready to bleach it. Which i'm not.

Ok...other than that, just spent time yakking online...same ole, same ole.

Now, labor day weekend, as planned I went to Seattle to see Van Hunt. He's great live folks...with his cute self. I got a picture and an autograph...i'm such a geek, i'll treasure these til the end of my days lol. I've never gotten anyone's autograph before. Besides Van, the weekend was a bust...don't even feel like explaining. Just know I was bored...saw The Cookout (not of my own volition people....the folks i was with wanted to go) and it sucked...which is what I expected. Only highlight of the weekend besides my dear Van, was the cake batter ice cream I tried from this place Stone Cold Creamery...I think thats the name. I don't know...point is, the ice cream was beyond good :)

I'm still not writing people....help!!! I need to get on it...i'm seriously wasting time...I wish I could take myself and shake some sense into me lol.

Sidenote...I am getting along really well with my sister lately...i'm not sure if its to do with us getting older and respecting each other more as women, or what, but its nice :)

NYC Banana Berry lipgloss is the bomb lol....random thought.

I may return with a poem....who knows.

Smooches.... :)

Anyhoo pt. 2...annuda poem

2004-09-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings folks...wrote this one about a week ago...me liked it, me decided to post it. I love poetry. Even the sucky ones...every poem I write comes from this place inside me that I love to retreat to. My poems aren't nessecarily the deepest, most intelligent, well versed collections of words but they're mine and I love them.

Definitively I (an ode to self)

I cannot be defined by brown skin
Handfuls of Breasts that rise to the sun
The span of hips that stretch to accommodate seed
Feet etched in clay
I can… be defined by my depth
And no, not that of my vaginal walls
My words
That echo upon clouds
Rest in shadows
Sweep earths center
And ricochet off beams of light
From the brightest star
I can…be defined by stories told
In eyes of a wounded soul
Dreams whispered on morning psyche
I am the onyx diamond glittering on a blanket of unfettered snow
The child of lost souls
Sister to madness
I cannot be defined by how you see me
Societal pressures weigh on hunched shoulders
I cannot be defined by he say she say
Mama said and papa preached
I cannot…will not…allow
The definitive nature of I
To conform to malleable circumstance
Exist to your liking
I can however
Allow my essence to float light
Carried by my three treasured spirits
I myself me
The definition of totality
I am
Definitively I
…And I won’t apologize for it.

©J.Hall

With that being said...I'm outta hea :)

"We'll tiptoe to the sun...and do thangs...I know ya like...I think i'm in luvvvvvvvvvvvv again..." Andre 3000

(yeah i'm still on a Prototype kick. and your point would be?....)

Anyhoo...

2004-09-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, I typed this long ass blog entry about my upcoming weekend, and then blogger.com went down for a sec. Sheesh. Okay...well long story short, I'm going to Seattle to the Bumbershoot Festival to see my future husband/baby daddy/sex slave Van Hunt. At first I was going alone on the bus and coming back the same day (what can I say? I love Van Hunt), but then my friend found out she now gets weekends off so she wanted to drive up there and we'd stay at her aunt's house. It will be the two of us along with her mother. Her mom is going because her sister originally wanted to come to Portland for Labor day but since P (my friend) and I wanted to go up there, she wanted her sister to come too. Which won't be terrible because her mom is out of the stage of hovering over P. They are Indian (Hindu) so her mom was really strict at one time, but now that we'z grown ass women, her mom has loosened the reins. Anyhoo, so were supposed to leave tomorrow night, but there was a big fuss about that, so if they decide not to leave friday night after all, i'm taking a bus saturday morning as originally planned. Because Van goes on somewhere in the time frame of 1-3:45 and I AM NOT missing him lol. Because if they didnt leave until sat they wouldnt be leaving until the afternoon. So anyhoo, if i dont leave tomorrow night ill have a nice pissed off blog for ya to read.

I need to go hit the clearance racks today for something to wear (yeah, i said it..CLEARANCE lol...no shame in my game). So I will do that later on today. Unless I have more shit to say later, this is my last entry until Sunday night. Enjoy my time away okay?

Second Time Around

2004-09-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm too damn nice. That's the problem. Yep...i've diagnosed myself. I have the 'can't stand to see someone upset so ill compromise my own ever decreasing sanity in order to please them' syndrome. Quite a mouthful huh? I get myself ready to say 'fuck it, i'm doing me, fuck what you, say, fuck what you say and definitely fuck what you say...and then...i don't know. I halt. Start second guessing shit. I am always afraid I will say something that will completely dissolve a relationship (Relationship in this case being any correspondance between two or more people, not specicifally a romantic relationship). And I'm selfish, that's a problem too. Yeah you pissed me the hell off but I may need you for something down the line so I won't go alllll the way off. Pathetic huh? So when you mix selfishness and the 'syndrome', you're spiralling down an unknown staircase blindfolded. Instant disaster.

I'm not going into specifics about this, but damn, damn, damn. Damn. Did I say damn? Okay, yes, I need to get up and over this. I really, really, really do. And so what, I have a thing for repitition. Sue me.

I will be twenty-one in five months. Count 'em, 1 2 3 4 5. That is not long at all and I really need to get my ish together. I have to rid my self of this 'syndrome' and cure this selfishness because I am going nowhere with them attached to my hip like extra pounds I don't want or need.

If I go with my instinct, I may end up lonely forever. Of course this is just my pessimistic nature hard at work, making me believe that if I go this way, I won't ever come across that proclaimed four letter utopia again. But if I go with the 'syndrome' i'll be kicking myself in the ass, or trying to since I don't have one. But this is not the time for my noassatall gripes. And I will be smack dab in the center of square frigggin one, where I don't want to be. Grrrrrrr....I know people know what situation i'm talking about and dammit i'm tired of talking about it. Thinking about it. Anything to do with it. I talked to the person stirring up the bullshit and I think he knows where I stand. But even then my ass had to give his ass a buffer. Couldn't just say what the hell was on my mind, had to be PC. Had to put that 'maybe one day, just not now bs' in there. But he knows...he knows. And for now, that is enough.

Now...this is the last time I write about this in this blog. I think...lol. Hell, lets be honest, its probably not. As long as its irking me (irk...irritate...annoy for the 'RWCC...retarded word comprehension challenged' people) I will write about it. Get tired of it, don't read it. But for my sake and anyone else who is too done with this topic, I hope I don't have to revisit it.

Peace, love and happiness folks. Wish me the same, dammit :)

And yeah, yeah, yeah, this is the second post today. But Jill had to have her own post. And hence, the title, second time around. Makes sense eh? (don't eeeeeven answer that)

Beautifully Human

2004-09-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Jill Scott is like a soothing soak after a long, tiresome day. I just got the CD and this really is a extraordinary collection of songs....I love it!

If you weren't a fan before, this CD will change that.

Off to play it again...and again...and again...and probably some more after that :)

To Whom It May Concern

2004-08-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is a disclaimer entry so to speak...anything I write in this blog is my true self...which may not be saying much for myself, but its the truth. Now...I say this because even though I doubt many people read this, there is a link to it on my site. Now, sometimes people I know from various things will peruse the site, and if they happen to come here, the 'me' they think they know may not coincide with the me that is here. Make sense? Now I know some people are like 'uh...isn't that being fake?' and 'why can't you be yourself?'

I will explain.

All my life i've been shy. Quiet. Introverted. Ask anyone who doesn't know me well, only knows of me and that is the description you will get. Even the people who know me well know I am an observative person. I'd rather sit and laugh at people making an ass of themselves then to join in. Now, that is not to say I don't like to have fun every once in awhile, but I like to know how people think. How people act. So I prefer taking a peripheral approach to life. People say and do some off the wall shit when they think you're not listening or paying attention. But I am. I always am. But i've slanted off topic.

Basically, unless I am at total, utter and complete ease with you, you will get the 'peripheral Jazz'. So that is the Jazz that most people see, because I rarely have a person in my life I am at ease with. But even in that state, I am thinking, feeling, doing. There is always something going on in my mind, whether it seems that way or not. I just don't let people into what goes on in there.

Alright...making my way back to the beginning. *Disclaimer* : Any commentary within the confines of this blog is indicative of how the owner really thinks and feels, whether it is apparent in the Jazz you think you know or not. So if you see some profanity, yes I use it...just not around your ass :) If you see a comment you don't think i'd have on something, yes that is what I think. You get the point.

la-da-dee-la-da-dah

2004-08-31T02:41:00.000-07:00

Ok reading public...for those who read profiles, i'm a writer...tryna make a living writing novels (no I am not finished with one yet...gots to get to work!) and I also do poetry... I like this one...not one of the best, but still like it...wrote this today while reminiscing on the topic....

*sidenote...not that I really think there are kids out here reading people's blogs, but there are a few questionable words in here...with that being said, enjoy.

Good Morning

You know...
I love it when you take your hands and rub my naked thighs
Your dick waiting to wreak havoc in my walls
The morning barely visible beneath sheer curtains
Warm sleep tainted breath caressing my neck, my ears
You make me moan softly
Sleep still cradling me like a mother to a babe
Your hands come across my abdomen and rest upon my breasts
Tweak and twirl my peaks until they arise and smile
The motion makes me shift
You whisper in my ear ‘I want you…I need you’
Oceans roar, waves crash
You turn me toward you and your lips touch mine
Nimble hands work deftly, sliding into me with ease of a perfected craft
Sleep still holds me close…but my hips have a mind of their own…I ride your fingers until you replace them with your dick
You make circles in me, body rocking against mine
You have fucked me into an awakened state
My body melds into yours
We taste each others tongues
Fingers grip flesh
Sweat beads flesh
And we move
And we move
And we move
Across the simplest complexities
Amid the wavelengths of l o v e
And we come
And we come
And…we…come
Together in a brilliant blast of effervescent light
That blinds me momentarily in its splendor
And I emit a small laugh
You smile
Kiss my forehead
And whisper
‘good morning’.

©J. Hall

Ah...good old morning sex...how I do miss thee lol...now that's a a way to wake up! Forget Foldger's... :)

Now, I posted that because I was thinking about how much I just miss waking up with someone. Mind you i've never lived with anyone but I've had my share of 'good morning' moments...but not even just about the sex. About sharing a space with someone, breathing in their air. That's what I miss.

I'm chillin, vibin to some music...my 2 month old nephew's coos are adding something extra to the sound...lol. He's with auntie, being a nightowl...soon as he's out, im out though.

I love Andre 3000's Prototype...I love what its saying...I hope that you're the one...if not...you are the prototype. Like, i'm digging you, I want you to be it...but if you're not...then from this point on, you set the standard. Finding that person that makes you even set a standard. Because I know i'm still in search of...that feeling. That realness. That depth. My prototype. Someone that is going to make me stand and take notice and be like damn...if you aren't my forever and my always, can I at least cherish every moment spent with you? Can I use you as a pattern for which The One has to exceed? Man...I know i'm rambling, but shit, that's kind of the purpose right?

I'm hungry....thought you might want to know that. Can I get a two piece with a biscuit? No? Dang...stingy people I tell ya, just plain stingy. LOL. I'm kinda deranged, as this amazingly random entry makes crystalline clear.

'Prototype' for the eighth time! You would think I haven't had the CD forever the way i'm acting. But when I get to really vibing with a song...there's no stopping.

And damn this was a long entry...about what exactly? Your guess is as good as mine...come on...guess :)

Lazy Sunday

2004-08-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

Hmm....just finished eating some delish (I do know how to spell delicious...see?) food...cabbage, cornbread and ham...ah....i'm delightfully full. So what else is new in my world...not much. Nah..actually not much is sugarcoating it. NOT A DAMN THING...whew..honesty is the best policy (in most cases...lol).

I'm not a good blogger...i've already established that in a previous entry. I just have no life...its a sad, sad truth...what did I do today? Well...I woke up...not of my own volition, my sister came in at 9am and said she and her hubby were leaving for a 'bit'...and asked if I was going to come downstairs or should she bring the baby in my room...I opted for bringing nephew up cause I damn sure wasn't ready to wake up fully...me and him go back to sleep, amid my nieces yelling about brat dollz...I had no energy to yell so I just said fugg it...lol. (by the way folks, a 'bit' is never a bit with my sis and bro in law....them people didn't come back til 4pm).

In the meantime and in between time, I cooked and danced to all the songs that came on Music Choice...I alternated between Smooth R & B, Classic R & B, and R&B and Hip Hop...I also hit up my fave channel VH1 Soul...and they played Van Hunt and Maxwell back to back...umph umph umph...someone at VH1 loves me :)

Then I settled the kids down....Auntiehood is of another breed...sheesh...I love them but...just...no. LOL. But its also different because the two girls (8 and 3) look at me as more of a sister...don't get me wrong, they respect me but I've lived with my sister since I was 11...so I've been in they lives allllll the way since birth...only a few breaks, few moves...so since they see me all the time , its like i'm a sister to them. And I said that already...so what, it's my blog lol.

Of course after that, I turned the computer on....BS'd on a few sites...mtv.com, nappturality.com, and beyonceworld.net...hmm...don't say nuthin about the last site lol...i'm a fiction writer...and a dreamer lol. I have a strange fixation with the comings and goings of celebrities...what can I say? Then I went to a few blogs i've recently found interesting...stayed on those for far too long lol...people, i've got to get a life. Can anyone find me one? Can you believe I will be 21 in basically five months? I can still remember when 21 felt like lightyears away....and what I am doing with my life? Well...I'm not going to get into all of that because that will dampen my kinda sorta good spirits and i'll be in a funk all night. No thanks.

See....told ya i'd be back before two months...didn't believe me didya?

What's A Girl To Do?

2004-08-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah yeah...i'm back. Decided to blog again....probably will be more randomness, but who knows? Maybe something tangible will see itself through.

Lately, the live Jodeci version is playing and i'm just a-rocking as I type. I'd sing if it wasn't 2:43 am...and also, if I could indeed sing.

I've got a problem folks. My ex still wants me back (reference Campaign Trial entry). For a moment, a split second...okay, it was a few days....I was actually considering it. I'm not an argumentative person and I don't like knowing someone is unhappy with me. But the reason he is unhappy with me is beyond slow...we broke up...I gave him the space he so craved...and now he wants to give me attitude because I'm not jumping up and down, clapping and shouting about getting back together? Humph. It's really a shame that I even care what he thinks about me. I made a huge mistake when I let him know he'd gotten me to at least consider it. Now it's going to be even harder to say what I really feel, which is we don't need to be together. The only reason I would be getting back with him is out of loneliness and a desire to make him happy. But what about my desires? True, I am lonely right now, and I wouldn't mind having someone in my life. But I don't think the someone needs to be him. Am I wrong for that? This situation gives me a headache, so I try not to think about it, but then days turn into weeks and he's still thinking i'm 'thinking' about it. Not to mention he's in Texas, i'm back in Portland. I made a move that was unprepared, unfocused, unrealistic when I moved to Texas, and though Portland is not my favorite place to be by far, I cannot just uproot myself again on a whim. No siree, not again. And what did he have to say to that? He would move...oh no. No, no, no, no. That is a sequel I don't want to see, thank you very much. I do miss some things about him. Sure I do. But the things that made me hurt and tears constantly stain my pillow, the things that made me feel hollow and unloved and invisible...they haven't left. And as much as I would love to say they have, I'd be lying. We both had faults and we both played a part in our demise, as did life, family, circumstance. But what outweighs all of that is the way I felt during our relationship, and that is a way I never, ever want to feel again. And he can say he's changed, he can say he's learned, he can say it'll be better but I can't allow myself to find out.

Whew....guess I went off on a slight tangent and answered my own dilemna. I can't get back with him. That is all there is to it. Of course...being the indecisive, divided soul I typically am....this may be re-thought once again after this is posted. But ultimately, I think it's over between us.

Well...I think i've slightly made up for almost two months of nada...I'll be back folks. And no...it won't be in two months :) .

Various Meanderings

2004-08-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

Alrighty then....I see that I SUCK at this blog thing lol...its been what, over a month? Yikes...well, nothing much is going on in my life. Nothing much seems to be a usual occurence in my life. Still trying to finish a book...starting them is no problem. I've got ideas up the wazoo (what is a wazoo? ), but seeing a project through...getting through all the chapters....this is my trouble. I'm going to do it though, because this is my dream.

Alright...nothing new in the love area. Matter of fact, there is no love area to even speak of.

Next subject.

I've decided to delay my locking process for another year maybe. I want to see my hair grow out some more...I miss having length. But I do still love my hair.

I am soooooo into Lyfe. He is the truth...album is niiiiice. I've been playing it non-stop since I bought it. He was a five time winner on Apollo, and he was signed to Sony Urban. His voice has this raw appeal, a gritty soul that doesnt come across as forced. And his lyrics are so real. I just love me some him.

Mission Impossible: Becoming A Size 10

2004-06-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...i've neglected my blog already and I haven't even had it very long.

Anyway...since I last posted, i've decided to become serious about my weightloss goals. For the past four days, i've gotten up and gone walking/jogging and i've been trying my damndest to eat right. So far, so good...I am a size 16 now, and I know I won't have that much trouble getting into a 12 which i've done before, it's getting all the way to a 10 that will be hard. But the big 2-1 is coming up quickly, and I have to look my best, which means sore muscles and cravings from now on...oh the joy :)

Lovin' My Hair / Let Your Hair Down

2004-06-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my braids out and HALLELUJAH!!! I felt soooo free today. The sun was shining, I washed my hair, shook my head and went outside to let it dry. I loved it. Days like today reaffirm my decision to stop perming. No worrying about sweating, no moving hair out of my face, no shiny forhead from hair products. Just condition, rinse and go. Ah, the beauty in simplicity.

Dwele has this song called "Let Your Hair Down'. This is my feel good song for the year. I hear it and i'm like yes...I become the song. The words goe:

There she goes again, walking home, all alone
looking sad, baby where's your friends?
Why you never smile?
Let the sun, wash away, all your pain, so your inner child
(oooh) could fly, maybe we can be friends, and I'll dry your pretty eyes.

Chorus:
Get up off your sorrow
Shake it up, all night
Throw it up, ya hands high
and Let ya hair down (2x)

There's no need to hide,
grab your purse and your keys,
Come on out, let the world inside
Girl it's time to play
'Cause tomorrow's untold
Let your dreams unfold your day

Just fly, tell me we can be friends, and I'll dry your pretty eyes

I LOVE THIS SONG...it feels like he read my mind and wrote it for me. I love music...

Worth The Fight

2004-06-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes, don't you ever wonder what you're fighting for? I mean, doesn't it seem like you mighta missed the point?"

I was re-reading one of my favorite books by Terry Mcmillan, A Day Late And a Dollar Short, and one of the characters Lewis asked his sister Janelle that question. Every time I read this book, that part gets me because I often wonder the same damn thing. It feels like i'm in a game or something, and at the beginning of this life I was supposed to pick up a clue card, or something that would guide me through this travesty...and somehow I missed my chance to get it. So I have been wondering around aimlesly, fumbling, making wrong turns and all types of fouls, trying to get this thing right on my own. And that quote, even though it is from a fictional character, validates my theory that i'm missing something here.

The only thing that keeps my trying to understand my reason for being here, is my writing. Each word I write, no matter how insignificant or how moving, etches ne closer to understanding. I still feel like I really have missed the point. Was there a bulletin that went out? Was I sleep? Where was I when the reason we are here, or more specifically, why I am here, went out? What makes this life worth the fight? How can I want to fight, when I don't understand what I am fighting for?

I just want to be happy. But, i'm beginning to think that is a word that just exists...it has no meaning, no proof that it is indeed something worth striving for...it just is. Though I still want it. The first 20 years of my life, that word has not been a part of. So as I near 21, I feel the need to set this next 20 on the right path. Find the point in all this. I know this can't be all there will be to my life...it can't be. My writing, I hope will play a big part in the next phase of my life. Hopefully, it will lead me closer to that elusive being known as happiness. So I am going to try to go forth and plow through all this pain and sadness, to find what makes my life worth the fight. Wish me luck.

Campaign Trail

2004-06-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

My ex has packed up his i'm sorry's, let's try again's and headed for the You Never Know What You Got Til It's Gone Campaign Trail. He's even recruited a friend to help his cause. Why can't men do it right the first time? Who says I have to be so gracious as to grant him another chance? I say I don't. Because sometimes its not enough to tell me what you have learned, how you have changed. Telling me things that would have meant the world to me six months ago, but now mean nothing. Our situation was complicated, and I am not forefeiting my part in our demise, but I know that I have made my peace with our breakup and I wish he would do the same. Instead he tries to make me feel guilty because I have moved on emotionally and uses scare tactics: 'No one's going to love you like I do'. Is that right? Well actually, I hope that's true. Because his brand of love was defective. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love him in some way, but it's not in a way that matters. I can go days without thinking about him, when there was a time I couldn't go minutes. And I like it that way. So, as for his campaign, I don't know how long he will stay on it, but I can tell you this: he won't be getting re-elected.

Pensive Nature

2004-06-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

Today I awoke to the sun beaming through my window. Yet, in all its golden splendor, it didn't matter. Because last night I fell asleep to the constant whispering of my thoughts, and even as I saw the brillance of another day this morning, I was consumed by my thoughts. I rolled over, grumbled and went back to sleep, only to wake minutes later because I knew my inbox was probably overflowing. But, to my surprise Yahoo! did updates and I have more space. So really, I could have stayed sleep. All day thoughts have kept swirling around my head, weaving in and out, taunting me as if I possibly know what they seek, which is an answer to the unanswered questions, conclusions to open ended scenarios. So this is why today, I am pensive in nature. I'm trying to find a way (by the way I need to listen to Dwele's Find A Way today) and foresee my future, yet I have no clue as to how to do either. Suppose I should find a clue first huh??